Suffering from Bipolar disorder....

According to the National Institute for Mental Health.. aka NIMH

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

The full article can be found at - http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml

It goes over causes, signs and symptoms, who's at risk and how they base the "diagnosis" for this mental illness. That is just a brief overview.. I can tell you what's it's like to live with it.

When I am taking my medication, everything is good. Yes, certain things can trigger me to get upset but being I have my medication the blockers in that keep me from following through. It keeps me more focused at the things at hand. Depending on the situation I can either blow it out of the water, or I can be sensible and stay calm. The medication seems to keep me from playing it over and over and over again in my head until I lose it. If I think too long on something, it will upset me. For some reason I don't do that when I'm on my medication.

BUT OH WATCH OUT! When I am not taking it, I have seen what it can do. I can take less than a second for me to lash out, start screaming, crying or even foaming at the mouth and causing my deep dark side to come out and tell you how I truly feel. Because the filter isn't there anymore and I am not thinking logically. I tend to go off my emotions and they are very strong and powerful if I am not in control of myself. When I am not on my medication I know because everything is moving fast and thoughts are scrambling through my head so fast sometimes I can't even catch them.. it's emotional overload. I tend to say things I shouldn't although I am truly feeling them at that moment..

How do I deal with this.. well I try and make sure I am taking my medication, if I am low I tend to pass on the weekends but it REALLY messed with my body. So I am really going to have to suck it up and make an appt with my doctor soon for a refill. Without it, my whole world falls apart and I constantly have the past of pain, hurt and hatred come back to haunt me. Be it what someone did to me, said to me or the actions towards me.. all just rush right back.

Unless you know me well, you'd have no idea what this kind of breakdown looks like, I am a worthless blob of emotions and pain. I could cry at the drop of a hat. No joke.

So if someone suffers from depression or as I do bipolar it's no joke, it is really truly a disease. I lost a friend who committed suicide because she couldn't deal with it anymore. She left behind 3 young children and her husband. She just couldn't handle the pain, it scares me to think her own kids lives couldn't have stopped her. As many times as that has crossed my mind, I can't do it because of Sebastian. He needs me and I don't think my husband could take care of him alone.

Thanks for reading... I hope this has shed some light on the subject.