Monday, November 30, 2015

They Made Me Partner

     Even as I write this, I am not completely sure what that means.  I have an idea, I have my bloated ego hopes, but I am not exactly sure how this is going to benefit my life in the long run aside from bragging rights. Sorry, I will back up for a second.

     I started working for this company about four months ago.  I had filled out tons of applications, perfected my resume, taken several classes, read more resume tips and tricks than I will ever remember.  I spent more than 12 hours a day EVERY day on this computer trying to find a job that would justify quitting the one I had.  Every day the guilt was building up.  Why didn't I just let it go.  It wasn't the first time someone completely ignored everything I had done, or decided to bypass my complete and utter devotion, and jump to the most obvious conclusion.  Not even the second or third time actually.  But I have evolved right?  I needed to stand up for myself, I needed to realize that my efforts were being wasted there.  I needed to stop spending so much time devoted to someone, something, that took me away from my family so much.  So I did, I left it all behind.  Yes, I took the cowardly way out.  I let a coworker know I would not be back.  I didn't have the guts to face my accuser.  I knew I was standing up for my own dignity, but I also knew that if I faced her, I would cry.  I hate crying in front of someone when I am trying to be dignified.  I can't be strong when I have been so hurt.  I hate that about myself.  I did nothing wrong, and I couldn't even muster up the courage to face her, couldn't tell her that face to face.  But I left, future unknown, security of my babies hanging in the balance.

    I opened an email my mom sent me about 3 weeks into this intense job search.  I could tell about half of it was bullshit scams.  But there was this one page that seemed legit.  Online freelance jobs.  So I signed up.  I filled out the profile page.  I entered my resume, added some examples of the awesome stuff I had done in my previous jobs.  I applied for a few jobs, then a few more, then a few more.  NOTHING.  It's not that I wasn't qualified, but I was competing against dozens of "freelancers" from other countries that underbid me by more than 50%.  How was I gonna compete with that.  I finally ended up landing a job for a compliance caller.  I was elated.  Then I realized every single person who applied, got hired.  Fine.  It's cool.  At least I will get a little bit of money this week.  So I did it, but I kept submitting proposals for various jobs.  Some were just short, quick jobs, others were long term, but it didn't matter.  I had read blogs about this, forums, help pages.  I mastered all skills required according to the world wide web.  Still.....nothing.  FUCK!

     It had been almost two months since I quit my job.  Savings was gone, even the miraculous discovery that child support had been paid, and collecting, well that was running out quick.  Then one night after a school event, I decided I needed a drink.  I needed a break.  My every thought was how to make myself stand out, to market my abilities, to sell ME.  But all the while, abiding by the hundreds of guidelines I have studied and memorized.  So a few shots in, I threw it all into the wind.  I decided that being the cookie cutter applicant wasn't working.  I had done EVERYTHING by the book. EVERYTHING. Well guess what, the BOOK fucking sucks!!!  So in my half inebriated state, I chose a posting for a job that sounded cool, one I knew I was totally capable of rocking at, and I proceeded to write a proposal straight from ME.  No guidelines, no rules. JUST JEN.  I'm not gonna lie, that proposal kicked some serious ASS!  It was even better the next morning when I read it sober! HA, yeah I am just fucking awesome.  Then I waited.  I didn't stop applying, or submitting resume's, but I was still waiting.  NOTHING.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!???  Why is it so hard to make people see how fucking awesome I am!?  I just didn't get it.

     So I forgot about it.  I kept trekking on.  I managed to get a couple more little jobs that gave me at least some pocket change.  But I was frustrated beyond all reason.   I started applying for anything and everything now.  I got hired.  I got hired at a call center, which was great, because I like call centers.  But I got hired making less than I was at my old job.  Whatever, at least it's something, I will just keep looking while I am at least making a paycheck.  Then I got hired again, at another call center, making 5 bucks more an hour than I was making at my old job.  Only thing is it was 25 miles away, and working nights again, which again, meant I would never see my kids.  But I am bad ass! I will get promoted quick, I will be able to get a better schedule, and this is just a bump in the road right? A bump that will lead to much better things.  Yes.  I took my drug test, turned in all paperwork, set to start in a week.  Monday. This is the start of new things for us.  I was excited! Of course that would be too easy.  Because why? Oh yeah, because you are Jen, and life is just not that easy!

     Saturday night, YEAH, SATURDAY NIGHT, who the fuck is working Saturday night??? But yes, Saturday before I started my new high paying job I got an email from the dude who saw my cocky ass, ego filled, drunk written proposal.  First he complimented my awesome writing. Of Course. HA! Then proceeded to tell me that he thought I was an excellent fit, however, he was worried that the fact that I was a "Rock Star" might mean that I would be over qualified, and that worried him, due to the fact that I would expect more from them than they could give me.  SIDENOTE: Part of my pitch was that I was NOT a customer service representative, I was a Customer Service ROCK STAR.  I wasn't sure what to say.  Do I try to convince him that I would be worth it in the long run and risk this great paying, albeit neglect my family, job.....or do I risk taking a slightly lowering paying job that meant being home, ALWAYS?  HAHAH!! Of course I take the risk! I wouldn't be me otherwise.

     So I have spent the last 4 months doing things I have never done.  The business that hired me, was not established.  Not even close.  They had a great business plan, they had enough money to pay me every week, and they had great ideas.  I have put in tons of hours, yet, I have also been allowed to make the schedule, allowing me to take my kids to and from school, attend school events, make doctors appointments, and pretty much everything else I need to do.  FUCK YES.  Until one of the 2 owners ran out of money.  Apparently things don't always go according to plan.  Profit was not being made, shit was just not working like it should.  But that's because I was being limited, not able to help in places that I was pretty sure I could.  Funny thing about running out of money, you get desperate.  They got desperate.  In 3 months since things should have been running right, we have managed to close a deal.  Yeah, that's right 1!  One deal has been closed.  But that was before the ROCK STAR took over.

     Total and utter desperation finally gave me the opportunity to shine.  I know you didn't forget, but I just need to say it deal in 3 months.  Jen took over 2 departments.  Customer Service was already in the bag, cuz that's just how I roll.  Human resources was a disaster, I fixed that.  But we can't make money without marketing. Marketing is the HEART of this business.  I took that over Monday.  Today is Sunday.  I have never marketed in my life.  Today is Sunday.  Yeah I know I said that already.  I learned marketing on Monday.  I closed my fifth deal today.  I closed my first on Friday. Saturday they made me partner.  They made me partner.  I repeat it because quite honestly it still hasn't sunk in.  I am part owner in a company that I am fully capable of running, and not just that, but making successful.  They made me partner. 

Sunday, November 22, 2015

what I'm scared of....

I'm scared of being home alone. But with the kids I have to be super careful they don't realize it. When it's cold outside and dark so early now if I am not inside away from the windows, I will notice it and my paranoia will kick in. I don't know how anyone can live by themselves, but I am not one of them.

Losing Kevin. I have lost 2 guys to my "supposed" female best friends and now I can't bare the thought of losing him. But the best think about losing them is first off realizing they never really loved me and secondly I would have never met Kevin.

Losing another pet I was so close to. It has been over a year and I still cry over my champion Scout. I think it's because I never had such a close bond to a pet in my life. He was one of the family and was treated as such all the time. I miss my cuddle buddy on the cold nights, I miss how he'd howl with me. *sigh*

Having one of my kids go missing. OMG, I've had nightmares about this many times, mostly about my youngest Sebastian. It almost came true at Darien Lake a few years ago when we lost sight of him... he had wandered off to watch the Viper, which he's obsessed with Roller Coasters. I was so upset, I never let him out of my sight ever again... he's 9 now but I won't let him out of my sight even now. (well obviously I don't follow him into the bathroom or to school, but you know what I mean!)

I really have a lot I am scared of, even as an adult. I have my fears, a few typical of a mother and others that are probably from the past.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Realized something today....

I totally forgot to take my medication this morning... by the evening I was already starting to get emotional, I could tell. I was being needy, whiny and wanted my way... wanted to be the center of attention.. confirmation and to be reminded of why I am important... thought that no one would care of notice if I was gone...

BUT, the big news is I knew what was causing it and didn't let it bring me down. I stuck out the night with my friend, came home, showered and decided I needed to write this down.

Apparently my therapy session are helping with something!

Thursday, November 5, 2015

a little bit of a good time..

Tomorrow I am leaving with Kevin at 6am, to drive all the way to Michigan. His mother moved last week from California to Michigan, so I am going with him to help with unpacking more stuff. I am very excited as I have never been to Michigan, I think it will be great. Can't wait to see the scenery on our way there.

I am just a little nervous meeting her though. We will have to see what happens. Then Sunday morning we are driving back.. I don't know how I am going to feel about going back to "real life" after that but oh well.

Everyone keep us in your thoughts for a safe trip!

Monday, November 2, 2015

Today has been an awful day....

... one of those days where you just want to crawl under the sheets and do nothing. Last night I had trouble sleeping.. today I had pointed out I made a HUGE mistake and this big order of almost 1K gone... refunded lost... oh great.

I don't ever want to post the truth again... it hurts me by hurting people. I've already said this many time, this is why I go home and just stay there... I always hurt  people.. even if I am just trying to understand them and ask a lot of questions... or if I feel left out, or if I feel ignored, or if I feel bad, sad or miserable.

I quit, that's all there is to it. I am too much to deal with, I know this... no wonder my husband and I are getting a divorce, I'm getting worse instead of better... I don't know where to go from here.


Sunday, November 1, 2015

Secret Chapters

There's this internet meme going around: "Adele got me missin a man I ain't even dated".  This song is killer.  I'm 6 months or so out of my painful breakup, 6 relatively silent months and hearing this song still sent me for a loop. Don't misunderstand:  I've got a great guy that I adore with everything I have, someone who really loves me and the boys and who is able to really be here.  That's not even scratching the surface on him or my relationship with him and why it works and why the one with Boston didn't.  And maybe people believe you should take your new life and your new love and never look back.  I know people who can do that. And maybe if Boston had been less of a man, less of my life, less of the pieces I eventually used to piece myself whole, I could do it, too.  I learned a lot about myself breaking up with someone I loved so much.  I learned I don't let go of certain things, I can't just wash away my story with him and not have parts that haunt me, parts that still course through my veins like life-blood and visceral proof of just who I am.  And that's okay.  In losing myself in him, I found myself and got out of a terrible marriage where I was so unhappy I ached every single day.  And I know D understands:  He can see the ghosts and shadows that cross my face when I look East or put on my Boston hoodie.  Falling in love with Boston was so much more than just falling for a man.  It was pieces of recognizing what I deserved and learning the strength to ask for it. It was pieces of learning to love a city, this small town little country bumpkin, a city I will always love.  It was learning new interests and rekindling old interests and laughter and tears and more laughter through the tears.  And then it was just tears and "I already miss you" and running again, trying to run the pain from my heart, gasping with exertion and begging for a break in the misery.  And it came, it always comes.  I will love him for an eternity, I will grieve for our loss forever, I will grieve for the relationship only a finite period of time, I believe.  I can't say I know for sure yet, because I'm still mourning.  In addition to being the greatest man and love I had ever known, he was my very best friend.  A person I let into places of myself I don't even let my own head wander.  Was he perfect? No.  Was our love perfect? HAH, not even close.  But for a while we loved each other perfectly.

My counselor asked me the other day why I hadn't written the ending to Nebraska + Boston: A love story  I didn't know what to tell him.  I just started crying instead.  And I've been tangled up in my brain ever since.  It feels like betrayal to him, not to give it an ending, a proper ending, the ending we deserved instead of the ending we got.  So I opened it up this morning and I laughed thinking about how I would talk to him until 4 a.m. and I would giggle because I was so nervous because oh.mah.gawd.that Boston accent, and he thought it was so cute and he would message me from work telling me he had to quit staying up so late but then that night, we'd be doing the same thing.  That was the beginning and the beginning was princes and fairy tales and who's going to save the princess?  It took losing him to realize I was never a princess in distress, just a queen who could slay those who crossed her if she needed to.

I hold my head proud now.  I know what it's like to ride through Hell and slay the demons.  Demons whose bloody blow-back stains my face and makes for war paint for the next battle. I know I can survive anything. I became stronger because I had to.  The trick is learning to love myself again.

So, hello from the other side.  I must've called a thousand times....

*All of the above written content is written by Erica Holtry 2015, not available for other use*