Tuesday, April 26, 2016

My struggles, my pain, my darkness.....

Who remembers.....? Remember what you ask. I don't know, I forgot.

Want to eat, no just want to be left alone, or left to sleep. 

I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll hide in my own little world.

Put on the ear buds, lose yourself in the music.

You are numb, displaced from the world.

Hoping this will help you for a while to help you get away from your everyday struggles, but it's still there in the back of your head and won't leave.

You can't get away, you can ignore it.

You can drink until you don't hear it anymore, you can sleep to keep it at bay, but eventually you need to wake up, sober up and take off those ear buds.

Then it's just you and the dark place in the back of your head again.

You can not get away, it will always be there.

Now, I understand why people commit suicide... to stop the voices. I totally understand that. At times it will tell me I'm worthless, I'm a failure and I am an idiot. It will remind me of how I failed at a wife, failing as a mother and failing at my life. It will remind me that I will never have to deal with an "empty nest" as my kids have mental disabilities and will never be able to live on their own. It reminds me how fat and ugly I am, but at the same time tempts me with unhealthy food choices and comfort food which is not good for me. I can't not break this cycle, no matter how hard I try.

These are my demons that I hide from my friend, co-workers, boss, kids. I don't want them to see how I suffer, from depression, anxiety and my own head plotting against me. I drag myself along and struggle everyday to get through. Put on a great face to no one knows.

I posted this on face book the other day and it's very true.

And this second one was most interesting.......