Monday, April 27, 2015

At a loss and being down....

The loss is a good one... I got on the scale and was down 2.2 lbs!

**JUDGE THIS: I try to be a good person, but sometimes depression gets in the way. It's hard to be there for everyone when you can't always be there for yourself.**

This was me today. I couldn't deal with going to work. The stress would have been just too much for me today.  While I was not at work, I applied for 6 jobs in the area. Lets see if anyone contacts me back.

The only perks of my job is the extra money I make when my sales are high. Also the close friends I have in Marjie and Lynn. (Lynn and I are closer) I think 6 years of being pushed and pressured and told you have to do this or else... has kinda gotten to me. Also the miserable pissy assholes we sometimes get on the phone. Yes I used a swear word, won't happen again. The pressure and stress can be overwhelming, of course what do you expect for customer service huh? The company has grown so much in 6 years, it's astronomical. We have had a few people leave/quit or go to part time due to this very problem.

I am sick of being at the mercy of the phone, it rings once and I have no choice but to answer as it auto picks up in my ear. Also, all the mistakes the people in the warehouse make, the Fed Ex people not being careful with boxes and breaking them, trying to cover their mistakes and still delivering to our customers astounds me. I am sick of having to call people to follow up on first orders, the shipping errors and Fed Ex's mess ups. I have had more than enough co-workers who don't do their jobs and I am there picking up their messes with the reports I have to do. When I send them emails or note about it I get no response and/or they don't do anything about it and they are still on the reports day after day. There are repeat offenders... always the same people!!! Why aren't they fired yet???

People wonder why I having so much stress, pressure and feel like I am just another face in the crowd. I am stuck in customer service FOREVER. Apparently my boss and her bosses think I do such a great job they want me to stay. Having this problem is a good thing she says... "Really?" It may be good for her but it's really really bad for my sanity. They truly have NO IDEA how I feel.

I love my boss, Kat is the best. But I don't know how much longer I can stand all of this other crap going on. I don't think the "higher ups" realize how much we do in customer service.... or even if you can appreciate it. They don't live it day after day after day. *sigh*

Good night all, I hope tomorrow looks a little brighter.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Say you love me, you know I do

I moved away from New Mexico and all of its grime, crime and slime almost exactly 11 years ago.  I don't miss the smog, the traffic, the spanglish, the girls who insult you just because you've got that fair-freckled-skin, the DWI problem, the horrific schools or basically any of the people.  Oh, sure, I had a handful of really phenomenal friends.  Those friendships have stood the test of time.  And we did leave behind family, some of whom can travel and some cannot.  ALL of whom I miss tremendously.  But, y'know, there's just nothing quite like your Mama.  Whether you call her "mom", "mommy", "mama" or "ma", if you're at all close with your mom, I bet you know what I mean.

There have been some dark and troubled days up here in my corner of the Sisterhood.  Days where I cried or I raged or I was sick or I was crazy(er than usual).  And my Mama and I have talked through most of them.  The saddest moment of my life came not too long ago.  I watched my mom, who knew only the barest details (because I have the best Sisters on the planet, too) call every day, sometimes two or three times a day.  Each time, leaving a message.  Each time, telling me how much she loved me.  I knew it, of course.  But I also knew I couldn't play the game with her that I had been playing with virtually everyone else.  The game where I took a deep breath, put on my cheeriest, "Hello!" and then began counting seconds until we were done and I could let sorrow fall back down into my chest again.  But I'm a proud and unabashed Jersey Mama's Mama's Girl.  I would throw out a cheery "Hello!" and she would say "what's wrong".  Then we'd both cry.  So I bypassed her calls.  She knew I was okay (again, Sisters), at least in the sense that I was still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other.  But I realized something in those wretched days.  I was too fucking sad to talk to my mom.  And I can't think of a lower form of sadness.  Luckily, Irish spirits may never fully heal, but they do eventually bounce back enough to talk to their mamas.

I'm giving this Sing-A-Long Sunday over to my Jersey Mama.  That Broadway-lovin', peace-lovin' hippie is the reason my kids and I sing all day long and we have such weird fuckng taste in music.  This here?  A song from my wedding, LOL, but still one of my all time favorites from one of my favorite love stories .  Enjoy.  He's no Michael Crawford, but it's definitely not too shabby, either.

Friday, April 17, 2015

What a difference......

Hi all.

Wow, the 11th it sounded like the end of the world... but not anymore!

My friend Kevin and I started our weight loss a week early.

I have got to say I've noticed little things different this week... I've been less stressed at work, not to say I haven't but not as much. I have been sleeping better which is weird even for me... I haven't been as tired as I usually am and don't feel as sluggish as I usually do.

I might be on to something here, all those fatty, sugary, caffeine laden products I was eating and drinking to help me get through my day really made things worse. Tonight we had pizza and wings. I only had 2 slices of pizza and 6 wings. I wouldn't allow myself anymore, and you know what I stuck to it!! I ate slower and by the time I was done I actually felt stuffed! Believe it or not, I was full.. someone call the record books. Any other time I'd have scarfed down at least 3 pieces of pizza and all the wings I could fit. Monday is our weigh in and I can't wait!
The last two weeks my boss has been saving my sanity, I've gotten out at noon. So I'll have lunch with a co-worker and then go home. It's a nice break before the weekend job. It's 4 hours less but if I have my sales up it's not a real loss. Even nicer this week since I am off Monday... woohoo!

Just checking in to let others know what's going on and how I am doing.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Open Your Heart, I'm Coming Home

It's April.  Y'all know what month that is, right?  It's National Child Abuse Prevention Month.  I promise this is probably going to be the last post specifically focused on this issue.  I say "probably" because it's an issue that has had a profound effect on my family.  My little boy was bent, not broken at the hands of his abuser.  Someone tried to put out that fantastic little thing, that little quirk,  that little just right of Joshie-tude that makes Joshua Mark himself.  You know how he is, y'all, all off-the-wall fashion sense, wanting to be his mama, wanting to be everything around him, friendly, affectionate, loving, just Joshua Mark.  The kid who greets strangers with a hug, who says to every stranger-who-isn't-really-a-stranger: "Hi, I'm Joshie Mark!".  That kid.  Someone tried to break him, but here's the thing about that kid.  He's got his Mama's wild Irish spirit, her true grit, and the good Lord knows, her fightin' side. He bends but he's built tough, real tough.  My family, this family, me and Stomp and Joshua?  We're built tough, not Ford tough, fahk that  real tough.  My Jersey Mama is a heart of the purest gold but she's seen some tragedies in her 25 young years and one of the things that she always taught me growing up is that you never let someone break yoru spirit, you never let someone change your heart, because then they win.  So I'm teaching Joshua.  Yes, someone once spanked you across the face for an accident, baby.  But you just can't let it change who you are, Joshie Mark.  You keep being the kid with the sense of humor that makes you burst out with loud laughter.  You keep being the kid who, upon seeing an older woman looking melancholy and morose in a doctor's waiting room, simply got up in the seat next to her and held her hand, silent for more than 10 minutes.  You keep being the miracle in everyone's life.  The world needs more hearts like yours, Joshua Mark.  You inspire me to be a better person.

We here at the Sisterhood want to encourage abusers to get help before children get hurt.  That link above will take you to the national child abuse helpline.  If the situation is emergent, please, please, please,  DO NOT HESITATE to contact your local law enforcement officials.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

What could it be?

It seems like more and more I just don't feel the desire or the need to do anything anymore.

I don't want to go to work, I don't want get out of bed, I just want to lay there and do nothing. I don't feel any drive in life, like there's no reason to keep doing what I am doing. That I am going no where fast. I don't feel that I will ever reach or achieve what I have dreamed.

I stopped having dreams for the future to avoid being let down or having them fail. If I don't have an expectation I can't be let down right?

Today I called off from the weekend job, I never do that... I stated due to a "family emergency". I spent 5 hours sleeping at my friend Kevin's house. Now I really wasn't tired, but I think because I was depressed I felt like I was. It's one of the signs, believe me I've read enough about it. I am ready for bed right now and I got an extra 5 hours of sleep, from like 9 - 1 today.

Is it possible that my bi-polar can get worse? There are a few reasons it could be:

1 - my medication isn't as effective.
2 - my life is more complicated
3 - work is more complicated
4 - I may just note care anymore and give up.

Okay that last one isn't a reason, but it has crossed my mind more and more lately. I had an acquaintance once tell me "Cindy never give up, it means someone else will win!"  In this case life would win... what does that mean?

Lose my mind, go to a psych center, get food and shelter without having to work for it.. get counseling that I really really need. Hope and pray I can function in society again. I'd probably lose my kids but in all honesty it may be a good thing because if I can't take care of myself, how am I expected to take care of them? They always come first that may be why I have these problems I am not taking care of myself well enough.

Thanks for reading all. I hope I can get myself back on track.

Savory Saturday- Creamy Garlic Noodles

Creamy Garlic Noodles

2 teaspoon olive oil

4 cloves garlic, minced

2 tablespoons butter

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

3 cups chicken broth, plus a little extra

1/2 pound spaghetti

1 cup grated Parmesan cheese

3/4 cup heavy cream

1 1/2 tablespoons dried parsley

In a medium pan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and stir for 1-2 minutes. Add butter and melt, stirring constantly. Add salt, pepper, and 3 cups chicken broth. Bring to a boil. Add the pasta and cook according to box directions. Add a little more chicken broth if the noodles start to stick to the bottom and burn. Add the cheese, cream, and parsley when the pasta is cooked to your desired tenderness and mix thoroughly. Serve immediately.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Not So Savory Saturday- Angel Lush with Pineapple

Angel Lush with Pineapple

1 20 oz can crushed pineapple (Undrained)
1 pkg Vanilla flavor pudding mix
1 cup thawed whipped topping
1 angel food cake cut into 3 layers


Mix pineapple with pudding mix in a medium bowl. Gently stir in whipped topping. Stack cake layers on a plate, spreading pudding mixture between the layers and on top of the cake. Refrigerate 1 hour or until ready to serve. Garnish with your favorite seasonal berries.