Thursday, October 23, 2014

Lies and more lies....

Ready for this one people? Okay, get this:

My "friend" went out to California for 3 weeks. Originally he was going to help his mother with getting one of the homes her and her husband owned cleaned up. Her husband passed away last year and she was going to put the house up for sale. But things changed and he was only moving stuff from one house to the other... only a few things.

After that he was expecting to sit around and do some reading.. last I knew he was helping a "friend" move. I have heard from him precisely 3 times.. if you count a text good night as one.. in the last week. Now I don't have any really "close" friends locally here, so I am seriously ALONE. I have no one to talk to about my issues, my problems and I am an emotional mess. You know what I am sure he doesn't give a shit because who knows what or whom he's doing out there that is more important than his friendship with me. WTF do I do with myself?

I am alone, sad, depressed and miserable. At this point I feel he can go take a flying leap off a fricken bridge for all I care. Just about as much as he really gives a crap about me.. apparently not at all. I guess I am just someone who is there for him when he needs it but can't be there for me when I need it. I don't need friends like that, I need someone who is willing to help me when I need it because you damn well know (don't ya Twinsie?) that when a friend of mine needs help I would give the shirt off my back if I had to. I have so much compassion it's used and abused and I don't see it until it's too late. People wonder why I am so guarded and have my walls up as high as I can get them. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it hurts me EVERY SINGLE TIME. Why can't I get that through my thick skull??

I am a good person being used by people who take advantage of people like me. It's a hard lesson to learn, I mean over and over again I feel like a fool, but then I get taken for a ride again and it happens again. You would think I'd NEVER drop my walls again, but then I meet that person who just clicks with me and BANG I come to trust them and what happens? I bring down my guard and over time they see my vulnerabilities and they are able to sneak under the radar and here I end up again hurt and miserable.

What is fucking wrong with these people??I have so little joy, why take what little I do have away? What have I done to deserve this other than want to help people and make them happy? When do I get my time in the sunshine and bask in its rays?

Ya know I've only said this once in my life, but ya know what the hell.. FML!!!

1 comment:

  1. Twinsie: You are an amazing person and friend. I speak from experience when I say that I know you would give anything to help a friend. You've done it for me. But I also speak from experience when I say people are shit and they take advantage of kindness and compassion at every turn. You do not need those people in your life. Surround yourself with the Sistahood. We may not be local, but we're always loyal. And you've always got us. You can call me day or night. I always answer the house phone if I hear it. And as for this "friend", would you like me to start calling him up? I've got some things I'd like to say to him.

    I love you, Twinsie. You may put your walls up, but do not *EVER* let anyone make you doubt your worth as a friend!