Monday, October 26, 2015

Gone and again being forgotten.....

Guess what? K's gone and his excuse for not being able to contact me is "I have to deal with the dog." What the f*#k? It's not like he's watching a 3 year old who will rip up the whole damn house... this dog is so docile!

I am already in my mood like I am whenever he's gone... and I want to cry... I could at the drop of a hat right now. I MUST shower tonight, if I don't do anything else, that is what must be done.

On a positive note, I am trying something I saw online last week:

Now I didn't buy any of their products, I bought what I wanted... I got new eyeshadow, some lip gloss and some Andes candies, which are my favorite mix of chocolate and mint. I am taking a photo everyday and noting what I appreciated about it.

I figured while he's gone I can do something for myself and say "screw him" maybe I'll have more confidence when he gets back... he's gonna be waiting.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Love For Lily

I was driving down the freeway, just like I do every morning, and every afternoon. I whine in my head about this a lot. I hate making this drive, all the way across town, every morning, and every afternoon, and twice on Wednesday's. But then I think, at least I am lucky enough to have my mom to help me watch the baby, and I am able to take the other kids to the schools that they all want to go to. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but we are lucky.

So Tuesday afternoon when I saw the cop behind me out of nowhere, my heart stopped. Whoa. I have no idea where he came from, but I got over real quick, he wizzed past me, and after my heart started beating regularly again, I forgot about it.,,,,,Until I got home. I hadn't even gotten all the way in the door when I was bombarded by Muppet, and the news.

"Did you hear about he 'Road Rage Incident?' I hadn't. I've been picking up kids for the last hour and half. Then I saw the news.

She was 4 fucking years old. Sitting in her car seat like she has probably done  hundreds of times. Then it was over. HER LIFE ENDED. Just like that. Because her dad didn't oblige, didn't let someone cut him off, antagonized a random person on the freeway. I hope with all my heart, that if her dad knew what would come of his quick temper, his impatience, his reaction to an ignorant piece of SHIT, that he would have reacted differently. We will never know this. Lily will never know anything more than she knew that horrendous day. She will never know anything else because she is no longer here. And WHY??? Why the FUCK is she not here??? Because there was something that was SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, so detrimental to someone's survival that someone had to pull a FUCKING GUN on someone else for not letting them in the lane in front of them?!?!?! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE SO IMPORTANT THAT IT WAS WORTH AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRLS LIFE!!!! Because I am having serious issues processing this, as is ALL of Albuquerque, and now most of the country. What has this world come to that we are so angry, and in such a rush, that a minute or two lost is worth someone's life?

I have gone through a lot of shit in my life. If I want to sit here and have a pity party, I can list off a crapload of shit that I think this life has thrown at me. But something like this happens and I just have to thank God, because my life has been easy peasy compared to SO MANY others. I have 5 kids. All of them are healthy, and alive. Lily's parents can't say that. 2 days ago they had the same normal, probably fucked up life that I do. Today, fucked up can't even kind of describe what they are dealing with. I can't even finish a sentence without sobbing, and I never met this precious little girl. THEY LOST THEIR BABY GIRL. Just like that. In an instant their entire world turned upside down.

I am not vocal about my religious beliefs. My ex-husband scarred me when it comes to that. But not for one second have I ever doubted where I come from, or where I am going. I honestly just don't think I need to share that with everyone. Today, I have let all of that go. I wholeheartedly thank GOD for everything I have. My life has been so easy compared to what I have seen SO MANY others go through. I don't know what I have done to deserve to be so blessed. But I am so thankful that the small tribulations I have had to battle are all I"ve had to face. I don't know how I could go on if Lily was taken from me. I can't even think about it for more than a second without breaking down in tears.

I sob because I can't understand what this world has come to. What is so fucking important that you have to shoot someone for a minute or two lost in traffic? Was your daughter going to die if you didn't get home in time? Your son perhaps? Mother? Wife? WHAT??!! I know I speak for the entire country when I beg to know what the FUCK WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAD TO KILL A LITTLE GIRL TO GET THERE?!?!??!

Then I stop for a minute, and I can't explain it, but I feel sorry for him too. This country is in an uproar over this incident. I guarantee he didn't consider the consequences of his actions when he acted all tough like and started firing off his gun like he was a badass. I don't think he realized that he signed his own death warrant that afternoon. I know he will not be released from custody, life ever. But I also know, if he EVER gets put in to gen pop, he is done. Any of you old fuckers remember Jeffery Dahmer? Even cold hearted murderers don't sit well with child murderers.

I don't know what was going on with you that day. I have never judged a person off of popular opinion. I don't hate very easily, like EVER. I don't even know your name. I don't hate you. I want too. But you have to live with what you have done. You get to dwell on that stupid decision for the rest of your (probably very short) life. If you are lucky enough to survive the outlash of this travesty, I can only hope that you have enough of a conscience that this torments you for the remainder of your stay on this planet. I wish for you the pain you have caused, not only for Lily's family, but for every other person on this planet that weeps for the loss of a such a tiny, innocent soul, because you're a pathetic self righteous fuck!! I hope you got to where you needed to be on time. But I am really happy that you will never get there again!

Friday, October 16, 2015

therapist and stuff.....

Visit with the therapist was quite interesting on Thursday. I guess I am finally getting a "gray" area. My life is so black and white, this may be the reason why my husband and I had so many issues. Ever since what happened with "him" I don't have a gray area because I keep it simple if it's not white it's black... no in between, no leaving it to the world... that area I have no control over and I am in control of my life. If it doesn't go the way I expect, I take matters into my own hands. If you won't do it, I will, but I'll give you hell for not doing it. that gray area scares the crap out of me, it causes me to not be in control and it scares the shit out of me. I told her that too.

We talked about K, I have trust issues mostly from how things ended with "him". I worry all the time about "her" in California. So she will be known as "caligirl" anyhow, she is the reason I was in hiatus with him for 3 weeks... before new years and after... In those 3 weeks, he realized I wasn't going to deal with his crap, he can have her if he wants her and I'll just leave. He ended up spending time, supposedly deleting emails, messages and getting rid of everything she'd sent him. Trusting him on that is tough for me, because afterwards I still found stuff around and took them home and since I had her name now I did some searching online and had phone numbers and better addresses I could have sent her something and really wanted to hear things on her side of it. I never did... in fact I threw it all away and deleted it all. I still know his password and I could get into his phone whenever I want... but I haven't done it. I don't need another breakdown if there is stuff going on. *sigh*

I also told her what it feels like having this brain of mine. I can't get away from it, or get a break from it. I have it no matter where I go, its like be stuck in a cell with my worst fear... and not being able to get away... deal with it day after day after day. Nothing I can do, I can't run away from I because it goes with me. Another very valid and yucky point. Now I understand why people commit suicide, it's the only way to get away from it... it makes sense to me now. I finally understand.

I am not happy with K right now, Thursday I called to tell him what happened with the therapist and he didn't tell me that Jean was there so I wanted to talk about it and more but he didn't tell me she was there until after I had said some stuff... it pissed me off because I wanted to talk more... I went to bed very upset and sad. Was a very big let down... disappointment honestly. *sigh*

 Oh well enough about me, tomorrow I pick up my new glasses and I need new pajama pants, all of mine are ripped and it sucks.

BTW where the heck is everyone else, am I the only one writing here now?

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Very Excited!!!!

Well I've been tracking my phone and it's local now, so hoping it delivers tomorrow, so excited about that! My current one's battery sucks and does stuff I don't ask it to do.

New glasses should be middle of the week, hopefully by Wednesday. Excited about them too!

Chris and I got into a HUGE fight Friday night and I ended up taking Sebastian with me to K's house, he loved his treadmill and stationary bike... tired himself out on that Saturday and slept well that night. Then K made huge chocolate chip pancakes... he loved that too!

All is now calm here, I have changed my name on face book and dropped the married last name. Now I'm just who I was before... good ole' plain Cindy Walker. :)

I have a therapist appointment on Thursday. One hour isn't nearly enough to tell her things about my crazy ass life, but a little at a time.

I really need to let CT go, I no longer feel the spark we once had. He's in the middle of a really bad time right now between custody for his daughter and his son's problems. I'd hate to have him get any worse because of me. He's a nice guy and the sex is amazing, but I don't see us going any farther with this, also we can only get together once a week and all we do is eat dinner and have sex... what kind of relationship is that?  It's not according to me... it's so hard to tell him because well I feel bad for him. I don't know what to do about that.

Well time for bed, gotta go to that hell I call work... *sigh* another thing that causes my need for a therapist... some people I swear.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

New glasses....

Finally made an appointment with an eye doctor, I am so way overdue for an exam. Last one I had the guy was such a bearer of good news... "You have a high chance of having glaucoma" Geez thanks for making my day.

I am so ready for a nap, but my appointment is in an hour, 25 min nap won't hurt anything... ZZZZzzzz.....

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Ever feel left out?

Yeah at that point.

Don't even think I'll go to Rowan's wedding, she'll already have all she needs there. I'll be the outsider, the unknown...  better off not going... then see all the fun she had with her "real sisters" and feel more miserable.

I hate being poor, hate being scared of airplanes and even more depressing is I have no time for anything outside of my life.

FML *huge fucking sigh*

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Where is my mind.......

My mind is a jumble of things.......

Envy and jealousy,
Depression and sadness,
Death and destruction,
Revenge and grudges,
Hopes and dreams,
Failure and brokenness,
Love and joy,
Happiness and kindness,
Pain and hurt,
Evil and sadistic,
Heaven and light,
Hell and dark,
Misery and despair.

I can be happy one moment and then down and out the next. My mind is so messed up. *sigh*