Wednesday, August 24, 2016

moving along....

I guess with Erica's post I will have to do my own thing.

I have decided to go and keep my own private journal out of the public eye.

I don't feel I do anything but complain and let out my deepest, darkest feelings here and the only person I feel benefiting from it is me. So I am off to my own personal place.

I don't know what happened with everyone else, but I understand where Erica is coming from and I wish her the BEST of luck with her new blog


I quote the genie from Aladdin ... "I'm outta here....."

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Guest Status

Hi Gang, Eri here.  It's no secret it's been pretty quiet around here.  Hell if it weren't for Cindy, no one would keep the lights on, I don't think.  I check in often and read comments but life has gotten a little whack-a-doodle and I haven't had an abundance of time to give myself here (which may make the announcement at the end a bit of a surprise).  Between being a newlywed, having TWO big boys in school, being published (and therefore churning out more writing) and attempting to get my degree in the next 3 semesters in HIMT (Health Information Medical Technology), I'm pretty much always on the run.  Some days I don't have time even for the girls of this tribe.  None of these are excuses for abandoning you, just an explanation of what life looks like 'round here lately.

THAT BEING SAID:  I need an outlet for my writing, my opinions, my feelings, my whatever, more than I ever have before. This blog is fantastic and amazing because it includes so many (wicked fahkin') talented writers from all walks of life.  So, I would never leave here totally.  This remains a great avenue and place for discussions about family, parenting, putting an end to child abuse and, of course, erasing the stigma on mental illness.  But, I am going to pull back a little further.  I will always be reachable by this blog, but as for writing, I'm going to give what little spare time I have to a project that is wholly Eri.  Irish I gave a Chuck, but I don't is going to be my new hotspot for talking about everything.  I'm a woman of many interests and a vast variety of political views, but I have never wanted to paint all my girls with one brush.  With the insanity of this election season, I've had a lot to say.  That I've mostly kept to myself.  At least once a day, ESPN calls me with sports news I'm dying to share.  I've made a daily commitment to writing and sometimes I want to be able to share that work with you.  And of course, I always want to talk about music, my family and Chuck Taylor sneakers (AMEN!).  So, come give me a shout at the new site and let me know you're there.

I don't want anyone who has reached out to us for mental health help or advice about child abuse, etc, so let me be perfectly fahkin' clear:  I will still receive emails about comments here, and obviously, at the new site.  No one is being abandoned :)  I love y'all, keep checking back here for great stuff from our other, amazing writers and maybe, occasionally a "hi" from me!

Love always,

Thursday, August 11, 2016

I am not doing well...

I feel like I am losing myself.

I feel alone, worthless and unworthy of my life.

I see people post and write about all the accomplishments their "normal" child is achieving.

While mine just likes being on his tablet, drinking apple juice and is labeled as "special".

I never expect my child to graduate at the "usual" time as other kids, I never expect him to be able to live on his own. I feel like I will never be able to feel the sense that other parents do. I feel like I am missing out on things a "normal" child would do in their life.

My kids will never be into sports, or play an instrument. They won't be in the choir or win awards. Go to college or hold a prestigious job.  AND HOLY SHIT I SPELT PRESTIGIOUS RIGHT!?

What a let down I have been to this life, this world. I can not accomplish anything. I am just another face in the crowd and I am just another nobody. If my biggest accomplishment in my life is just working my ass off and getting no where, well then it's been a waste of a life. I feel like I was suppose to be more than what I am, I am suppose to be better off.

I am just the opposite of what my dreams were.

I am fat, stupid, worthless. My kids are both "mentally disabled", my marriage is dissolving and I am a fucked up mentally bi-polar waste of space on this planet.

Why was I born? Why am I even here? Is this all that I was to become? Where did I screw up in my life to end up here? If God had this amazing plan for my life, where did I go off the path he wanted me to be on? Is there even a God? Why am I where I am today? Why did he make me the way I am? Why did he let these things happen to me to make me the way I am? Why did he make someone like me? Was I a mistake that went through the cracks? I really hope he broke the mold when he made me because I don't think the world could deal with another person like me.

I wish I was dead.