Friday, May 22, 2015

For the love of the laughter- Friday Five

I love comedy. I love to laugh. Not any old laughter will do either, it must be that deep down, side splitting, snorting, ready to pass out laughter. Today's Friday Five showcases my top 5 favorite comedians ever and it ends with a serious message.

5.Margaret Cho
Yes, I cannot help loving her stand up. Raw and kinda raunchy makes me laugh!
4. David Sleaze Punk Musician
"I'm foolin' you and you don't like it, fuck you!" Google it.
3. Billy Crystal
Comic Relief y'all!
2. Whoopi Goldberg
Jumpin' Jack Flash, Comic Relief, Burglar. Brilliant!

1. Robin Williams
Hands down my absolute favorite comedian, Humanitarian, Gamer, human ever!

We are coming up fast on Robin's birthday and the day he passed from this world. Now if you want to comment on how sinful you think his death is or go into the sordid details.... SOD OFF!

I never met Robin but I followed his career and Humanitarian work from the beginning. When he died I felt like a piece of my soul died too. Suddenly the world was just a little darker and the clouds permanently obscured a piece of the sun. He touched so many lives and that included mine. He opened my eyes to homelessness at the age of 9. I watched every single Comic Relief that I could. I was a bright child and he made me laugh from the beginning. It still seems unreal that he is gone.

I am definitely not the only person he touched but it was the way he died that broke my heart.  The more the story came out the more lost and sad I felt. We were more focused on how he died than how he lived. My dear friend and sister Jennifer started White Friday on Facebook and asked me to be an admin. I was honored. You see I have fought my own battle with mental health issues in my life. I have put on the mask and smiled despite feeling empty inside. I wondered why I should hold on and keep going. I have felt alone.

I read every thing I could about Robin. I figure he didn't want his family to have to deal with the effects of his disease so he decided he would not be a burden. My grandma did that except she waited until everyone left and willed herself to die. I wish I could have made her understand that she never would have been a burden.

White Friday is our way to let people know that they never have to fight alone. We are currently in our infancy but we are always working behind the scenes to push forward. Our goals are to erase the stigma attached to mental health struggles. We do it in honor of Robin M. Williams and everyone who grieves for him. We do it to remind people that they are never a burden. We do it to let people know that every life lost to mental health issues makes this world a little darker.  Whether you are the King of Comedy or an everyday person you are a star to someone. Please seek help. Please. You are not alone!


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

October's child is born for woe...

October's child is born for woe, And life's vicissitudes must know;

But lay an Opal on her breast, And hope will lull those woes to rest. (Anonymous)

This is the beautiful ring from my beloved.  A gorgeous fire opal.
A pre-engagement ring of sorts.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Friday Five - "Fry That Bastahd" Edition

Hi.  So, Boston and I may not be an item anymore, but while he and I were together, I fell deeply and profoundly in love with, not just him, but the city he called home.  I care about what goes on in Beantown.  And I remember just where I was when the Boston Marathon Bombing happened.  I was home and things were quiet here.  He called and said, "hey I'm fine.  I'm home today."  I said, "why are you calling to tell me you're fine?", as my anxious mind played out a thousand awful scenarios.  My anxious mind didn't even have time to get as far as he went when he said, "there was a bombing at the marathon, the finish line is outside my building.  I'm not at work today, I'm home.  I'm fine.  I'm sure cell service will shut down soon but I had to let you know before you saw it on the news".  As he relayed that information to me, it started flashing across my television. Nausea rose, tears flooded my eyes as they started to let the information filter in.  The two of us were news junkies and through the night, we probably had more details between the two of us than most of the news outlets had singularly.  So, despite our break-up, despite the heartache that surrounded there, I care about what happens to Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.  Him and his brother were responsible for the murder of numerous people, but including a small child and a police officer.  They injured and maimed upwards of 200+ people.  He was found guilty in a court of law a few weeks ago.  I've been waiting on pins and needles to hear if we would fry that fuckah.  But today, ohhhh today.  Today the verdict came in that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is going to be put to death.  6 time over, if it were possible.  And, I guess, it may be wrong of me, but I thanked Jesus.  And I wept tears of joys.  Because justice.

So, instead of doing my 5 favorite words (next week!), I'm going to link to some of the funds and charities set up to support the victims of that gruesome fuckah's crimes.

1. The Sean Collier Fund
2. The Martin W. Richard Charity
3. One Fund Boston
4. The Charity Navigator (I don't know anything about this site, tell me if it's useful)
5. The Boston Marathon Official Charity

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Why must everything go wrong!!!!!??????

Friday was in the ER with chest pain, see my primary and follow up with her. Starting a new med. Lexapro. Trading the Zoloft to that... doctor states it works better.

Really praying and hoping it does... can't deal with this shit anymore.

*sigh* Maybe it's just life, maybe I need a change.... I can't change everything in my life...

What the fahk evah Wednesday

Do you know what I'm sick of?  No-shit-nightmares.

The other night I had a nightmare that I was lost with someone who I knew, in real life, I couldn't trust, with Nathan and people were watching every single move I made.  Then I got lost and couldn't find my way out.  Then I got stuck in a hallway calling out to myself "if you can just find David*, you'll be fine".  I woke up and took a deep breath and went, "hey knucklehead, you KNOW you can't trust XYZ and you KNOW you have issues, serious mf'ing issues, with people spying on you because of the ex and Spygate and the divorce and you know you can always find David and he'll help you save yourself".  So then, knucklehead, why the need for my subconscious to remind me of this utter and complete bullshit?  No, really, I'm asking y'all here!  Is there a psychological reason?  My counselor (who is a mf'ing saint and there is no money in the world enough to pay him for listening to my shenanigans..I'm pretty sure I threatened him with a machete one week) says, "clearly you haven't worked through it enough, Eri".  Shut.Up.You.

So what say all y'all.  Internet psychology me here, peeps.  I'm counting on you.

*Right then, so I owe all y'all a serious personal catch-up.  Boston and I have parted ways in the fairest way we could.  I will always love and fradore him.  He will always be the one who showed me how to save myself.  I will still love the city of Boston, including the Bruins, the Sox and the Pats (Free Brady!) and yes, fahk you very much, I AM planning to keep my Boston/Midwestern accent.  That said, there is a new, amazing man in our lives up here in the Chuck Taylor palace.  He's smart and sweet and steady and sure.  His name is David.  You'll see him around here a lot.*

Sunday, May 10, 2015

For my Mom

My parents were HUGE on music. They listened all the time. Mom cleaned house with those headphones that had all of the controls on the ears and Dad and I sang together a lot.

My Mom loved country, my Dad love oldies, and my sister loved rock n roll. I was very well rounded as a child. I got my Classical from Tom & Jerry and Looney Tunes. Anyway, I wanted to put up a few songs that I remember my Mom loving when I was a kid.

I love you Mom! You did a wonderful job raising us!

And my personal favorite still:

Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 8, 2015

Feelings Friday

So, I was looking over my Facebook memories today and I was shocked at how frustrated and unhappy I was with my husband. Well, I knew I was frustrated and unhappy but I didn't realize that I posted that much. Sorry honey.

I was finishing my AA and going through the hardest Biology course ever (& loving the challenge). But that doesn't excuse my behavior. Do Razark and I still fight? Yes. Do we still have bad days? Yes. Are we better about reflecting and apologizing? Yes!! Show me a marriage without struggles and I will show you a farce. Does that mean the struggles need to be big? No. One of our biggest struggles is that Razark will not take out the garbage. Frustrating as it can be it is certainly not marriage ending.

And yet, 3 short years ago I was thinking about it. My mantra was, "Just get through college so you can take care of your kids and make it alone." I didn't think that he would be delinquent on child support or anything but he does pay for his older kids. Most days I just didn't like him anymore. Sure, I put on the facade that we were fine and I was just tired but I was struggling a lot.

Looking back, I didn't like myself much either. I moved over to start my Bachelors degree at a University and things got harder. As I struggled at home though, I flourished in school.  My GPA was 3.5 and I lived for learning. I felt like I was living the educational dream if my home life did not suck things would be great. I vented to my friends, I cried, and I prayed. The answers are not easy and often come in odd ways.

In August 2012, ten days before school started, I had my first emergency surgery. After going to school all summer to be ready to apply for my degree program, I was insanely sick and it turns out my gallbladder was infected. So I started school a day or so late but I started. Things were calmer at home but still hard. I felt like I was completely unsupported and trying to recover. It never occurred to me that I was treating my husband like shit too.

Things went along OK for a while and then in February 2013 I thought I was dying. What started out as back pain progressed to hours crying and no comfort in sight. After finding out I had a kidney stone, given drugs, and sent home to pass it, I was worse. The emergency room gave me morphine and it didn't touch the pain for longer than an hour and they only gave me dilaudid once. Razark sat by my bedside helpless and trying to support me. He couldn't touch me because I was in so much pain. Emergency surgery number 2 and several subsequent surgeries were on my stone ridden kidneys. Not once did he complain, not once did he blame me, and not once did he leave my side. I ate up most of his vacation days that year and it was no vacation!

I lost almost all my courses because I was stuck on the couch or in bed on medication and with kidney stents in place that semester. It put me a year behind in my degree program. In that time I did a lot of thinking and we did a lot of communicating. Only someone who truly loves me would stick around through this mess.

Things are not perfect and I am OK with that. Razark and I have grown and come a long way. We became a couple again. We are better partners and better parents. I no longer contemplate divorce or leaving. We are in this for the long haul. Things haven't exactly gotten easier but they have gotten better.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to show you that you need to reexamine your priorities. I spent a great amount of time examining myself, my goals, and my life and the person I want to be. I like myself much better these days. Best of all, we are happy.

I want to share advice that my Mother gave me a long time ago about relationships because it is very true.

It takes two to make it and it takes two to break it.

When I took responsibility for my part, he took responsibility for his part and things began to work.

Happy Friday Y'all! I owe you guys recipes but I still have one more paper and one more final to take first.