Sunday, November 23, 2014

Every lesson forms a new scar

A long, long, long time ago...Or maybe "Once upon a time" the story goes...

Anyway, I was in a really rotten place.  I knew someone who was a friend, a great friend, I suppose at times.  In this really dark place, I clung to this song, telling this friend that I felt like something was about to go wretchedly wrong.  Just really fahking wrong.  I couldn't figure out where or how or why, but I had the distinct feeling I was about to get a knife stuck somewhere. And oh boy, was I ever.  This friend would tell me that it was terrible I felt like that, that I should feel safe, that I was a good person who didn't deserve to feel like I was about to be betrayed or that I was about to be hurt.  Much less to actually be betrayed or hurt.  Then that very same person took a blade dipped in poison and stuck it in my back, then my side and then repeatedly, with only the purest evil, she stuck me every place she could.  When I'd finished licking my wounds and they'd been carefully bandaged by the only muthafahking person I still trusted, I still hung onto this song.  And oh damn, how guarded I was.  Every dark corner held a monster, every single smiling face was just another facade.  My heart was closed.  I cried all the time.  I paced, I didn't sleep because of the nightmares.  I was distinctly not myself.

And then, well then, something wonderful happened.  I met Carrie.  Everyone warned me it was too soon to trust a stranger.  Everyone warned me to guard my heart, to be so careful, to keep walls up.  But you see, that's not who I am.  I am not that girl.  I can't be that girl.  And so I closed my eyes and I took a leap. And because I did, I met one of the best and truest-bluest friends anyone could ever meet.  She's not just a friend.  She's part of my soul.  I wanted to share this now because I've been in a dark place lately, just so stressed out and sick and injured (torn rotator cuff, ftw).  And she grabbed hold and said something to me that is more beautiful than I think anyone's ever said to me.

She said: You are patient and kind. You love wonderfully. When you love someone it isn't just with words, or even actions alone. You love with every cell in your being. You make the people around you feel so special

And she was right.  I don't do a lot of things really well (fahk you very much MATH).  But I love people right.  So, while I still love this song, I don't need it anymore.

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