moving along....

I guess with Erica's post I will have to do my own thing.

I have decided to go and keep my own private journal out of the public eye.

I don't feel I do anything but complain and let out my deepest, darkest feelings here and the only person I feel benefiting from it is me. So I am off to my own personal place.

I don't know what happened with everyone else, but I understand where Erica is coming from and I wish her the BEST of luck with her new blog

https://irishigaveachuck.blogspotcom/

I quote the genie from Aladdin ... "I'm outta here....."

Guest Status

Hi Gang, Eri here.  It's no secret it's been pretty quiet around here.  Hell if it weren't for Cindy, no one would keep the lights on, I don't think.  I check in often and read comments but life has gotten a little whack-a-doodle and I haven't had an abundance of time to give myself here (which may make the announcement at the end a bit of a surprise).  Between being a newlywed, having TWO big boys in school, being published (and therefore churning out more writing) and attempting to get my degree in the next 3 semesters in HIMT (Health Information Medical Technology), I'm pretty much always on the run.  Some days I don't have time even for the girls of this tribe.  None of these are excuses for abandoning you, just an explanation of what life looks like 'round here lately.

THAT BEING SAID:  I need an outlet for my writing, my opinions, my feelings, my whatever, more than I ever have before. This blog is fantastic and amazing because it includes so many (wicked fahkin') talented writers from all walks of life.  So, I would never leave here totally.  This remains a great avenue and place for discussions about family, parenting, putting an end to child abuse and, of course, erasing the stigma on mental illness.  But, I am going to pull back a little further.  I will always be reachable by this blog, but as for writing, I'm going to give what little spare time I have to a project that is wholly Eri.  Irish I gave a Chuck, but I don't is going to be my new hotspot for talking about everything.  I'm a woman of many interests and a vast variety of political views, but I have never wanted to paint all my girls with one brush.  With the insanity of this election season, I've had a lot to say.  That I've mostly kept to myself.  At least once a day, ESPN calls me with sports news I'm dying to share.  I've made a daily commitment to writing and sometimes I want to be able to share that work with you.  And of course, I always want to talk about music, my family and Chuck Taylor sneakers (AMEN!).  So, come give me a shout at the new site and let me know you're there.

I don't want anyone who has reached out to us for mental health help or advice about child abuse, etc, so let me be perfectly fahkin' clear:  I will still receive emails about comments here, and obviously, at the new site.  No one is being abandoned :)  I love y'all, keep checking back here for great stuff from our other, amazing writers and maybe, occasionally a "hi" from me!

Love always,
Eri

I am not doing well...

https://youtu.be/H-CfiE6YCqY

I feel like I am losing myself.

I feel alone, worthless and unworthy of my life.

I see people post and write about all the accomplishments their "normal" child is achieving.

While mine just likes being on his tablet, drinking apple juice and is labeled as "special".

I never expect my child to graduate at the "usual" time as other kids, I never expect him to be able to live on his own. I feel like I will never be able to feel the sense that other parents do. I feel like I am missing out on things a "normal" child would do in their life.

My kids will never be into sports, or play an instrument. They won't be in the choir or win awards. Go to college or hold a prestigious job.  AND HOLY SHIT I SPELT PRESTIGIOUS RIGHT!?

What a let down I have been to this life, this world. I can not accomplish anything. I am just another face in the crowd and I am just another nobody. If my biggest accomplishment in my life is just working my ass off and getting no where, well then it's been a waste of a life. I feel like I was suppose to be more than what I am, I am suppose to be better off.

I am just the opposite of what my dreams were.

I am fat, stupid, worthless. My kids are both "mentally disabled", my marriage is dissolving and I am a fucked up mentally bi-polar waste of space on this planet.

Why was I born? Why am I even here? Is this all that I was to become? Where did I screw up in my life to end up here? If God had this amazing plan for my life, where did I go off the path he wanted me to be on? Is there even a God? Why am I where I am today? Why did he make me the way I am? Why did he let these things happen to me to make me the way I am? Why did he make someone like me? Was I a mistake that went through the cracks? I really hope he broke the mold when he made me because I don't think the world could deal with another person like me.

I wish I was dead.

This pisses me off.... I'm furious

https://www.cradle.org/adoptive-parents/special-needs-adoption/seeking-special-family

Get this:

We are looking for a special family for a baby boy who is due in September 2016. Genetic testing has confirmed that the baby has Down syndrome. The expectant parents are considering adoption because they do not feel adequately prepared to care for a child with special needs. They are a Caucasian couple, in their early to mid-thirties, and have healthy backgrounds. The expectant mother has received prenatal care throughout the pregnancy and has not used drugs or alcohol. She has a college degree; the father has a high school degree.

The fetal echocardiogram at 27 weeks indicates a large ventricular septal defect with balanced AV canal and primum atrial septal defect. Most children with this diagnosis must undergo surgery to correct the defect.

The expectant parents for this baby prefer adoptive applicants who are married and heterosexual; however, they will also consider a single female applicant. They would like to have ongoing contact after placement, including regular updates and occasional in-person visits. We are seeking prospective adoptive parents with an approved home study who would be excited to welcome this child into their family.

If interested, please fill out the pre-application form.
We have a careful screening process for identifying prospective adoptive families and we review all pre-applications that are submitted. Although residing in Illinois is not a requirement, we do prioritize those families who have an approved home study by an Illinois agency.

****Ready for my rank about this?****

WTF is wrong with these parents? "..do not feel adequately prepared to care for a child with special needs?" I was not prepared to care for BOTH of my kids who have special needs, in fact none of that testing was done.. The parents sound selfish if you ask me.

"They would like ongoing contact after placement, including regular updates and occasional in-person visits." WHAT THE HELL FOR!? You gave this kid up! With all the surgery, therapy and specialists appointments this child will need do you think the new parents will have time to do this for you? Are you crazy! These parents are doing all the work for you and you just want to pop in like an absentee parent and say hi. The minute things get uncomfortable to you because of the child's mental/physical state you'll run off?

Suck it up idiots, you created this child, you take care of it and raise it. From my point of view you are being selfish and immature. Are you going to do this with every child you make? What if all of them will be special needs? Are you willing to take this chance every time? Do you realize most kids in need of adoption are "special needs" children no one will take. Keep your kid, love them, let them know they are loved, because if this kid is smart they will realize you threw them away because of your selfishness. From someone who had special needs children, there is no such thing as normal.

Poem

The sun is shining,
the sky is blue,
fluffy little clouds,
are moving through.

On the outside I look,
like I'm happy and okay,
but on the inside,
there is darkness and pain.

The mask I put on,
is to keep my son safe,
there is still time for him,
but for me it's too late.

My struggles, my pain, my darkness.....

Who remembers.....? Remember what you ask. I don't know, I forgot.

Want to eat, no just want to be left alone, or left to sleep. 

I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll hide in my own little world.

Put on the ear buds, lose yourself in the music.

You are numb, displaced from the world.

Hoping this will help you for a while to help you get away from your everyday struggles, but it's still there in the back of your head and won't leave.

You can't get away, you can ignore it.

You can drink until you don't hear it anymore, you can sleep to keep it at bay, but eventually you need to wake up, sober up and take off those ear buds.

Then it's just you and the dark place in the back of your head again.

You can not get away, it will always be there.

Now, I understand why people commit suicide... to stop the voices. I totally understand that. At times it will tell me I'm worthless, I'm a failure and I am an idiot. It will remind me of how I failed at a wife, failing as a mother and failing at my life. It will remind me that I will never have to deal with an "empty nest" as my kids have mental disabilities and will never be able to live on their own. It reminds me how fat and ugly I am, but at the same time tempts me with unhealthy food choices and comfort food which is not good for me. I can't not break this cycle, no matter how hard I try.

These are my demons that I hide from my friend, co-workers, boss, kids. I don't want them to see how I suffer, from depression, anxiety and my own head plotting against me. I drag myself along and struggle everyday to get through. Put on a great face to no one knows.

I posted this on face book the other day and it's very true.

And this second one was most interesting.......

Oh my aim is deadly...

Until someone listens to me, I'm not going to stop saying it:  Little Big Town is the most underrated band in country music.  Amen.

needs as opposed to wants....

Yes, yes... they say dream BIG or go home.
But with a BIG credit card costs you could lose your home!

But, you really need to keep the costs of things in check.

Once Kevin and  I get our house, he really wants to get a full dining room set, and also new beds for every bedroom... which would be pricy. Why do into more debt when you are already spending that much on a house!?

Now if it was part of the loan maybe.... but the last thing I want to do is rack up a bunch of credit card bills to have all new furniture in a house we just bought. I don't know if that's even crossed his mind. I just got rid of a huge amount of money due to the bankruptcy and now he wants me to have more? We will really need to talk about that. Also the house is going in his name only.... I unfortunately already have mine on two loans on the house I currently live in.

I don't think he's seeing the big picture I don't want to work for the rest of my life so I can have pretty things in my house that I can't enjoy.

It's such a BIG issue, you want it but you don't need it to live. All I've ever wanted is a home that I felt was beautiful with matching furniture, not this hodgepodge of stuff... which seems to be Kevin's dream too, but he's like older than me and when he dies I am left with those HUGE bills! He really needs to think ahead, I don't make 22+ dollars an hour like he does. *sigh*

Such a downer when I have to think logically aren't I? :)

Before you judge... Think

So, I went in to Kroger at 6am this morning to get milk and bread. And maybe overpriced coffee but that isn't pertinent. Anyway, I needed milk for dinner and I wasn't sleeping so I decided to go and avoid people.

Now, I was not really dressed for people. I had on a long, long skirt, a tank top, slipper socks, and ridiculously blingy BOB shoes. Walking out the door, I noticed the cold front was coming in so I grabbed this insane scarf thing with pockets that I got for Christmas. It is soft and really warm, plus it is 6am on a Saturday morning. I was going to the store for less than 5 things. Who shops at 6am on Saturday morning in a small town?

I encountered in the produce section a middle aged lady in her workout gear eyeing me. She asked under her breath what I could have been thinking this morning. I smiled and walked away but here is what I wish I had said. In fact, I wish more of us said things just like this.

Well Ms. Fitness, you have a few options to choose from:

1. I am a crazy, spunky person with my own fashion sense.

2. My fashionista nephew dressed me while sitting nekkid in his Mom's closet among the undisclosed number of Chuck Taylor's that she has.

3. I have a mental health condition and I don't do well in crowds. My outfit allows me to repel unwanted interactions. OR this scarf like thing is a security object that brings me comfort allowing me limited outings.

4. I had abdominal surgery a few weeks ago and cannot tolerate things on my belly. This skirt allows me, being fun sized, to pull it up like Urkel (Google it young ones) and achieve some level of comfort. My belly has been hurting 18 of the last 24 hours and my clothing options are limited. I am here at 6 am to comfortably get necessities before going home, eating pain killers, and crawling onto the only freaking comfortable place in my house to try again to sleep before my family gets up.

You are going to think which ever one you want despite it being number 4. I really don't care what you think. What I hope to accomplish by putting this blog up is that if you are in Ms. Fitness' shoes you will think and not judge. We see the external things but there is often no way to really know what is going on internally. You don't know my story and I don't know yours. We are all fighting our own battles. We have our own set of insecurities and challenges. It costs you nothing to be kind. If you are overcome with curiosity, try asking instead of assuming.

Happy Sunday everyone. Sorry about the extended absence but I am graduating in May and I have an enormous amount of work ahead of me.

Strange, I noticed this today....

OMG, did you see that? When did that sneak in here?

It's been dark in here for a long time and I think it's been so long that I didn't realize it was here. Was that.... hope? Was that a shimmer of a dream? What was it that just flew past me... was it something about the future?

When did I start dreaming again? Is that why I've been so different lately? What is causing this?

Well, glad you asked!

My work schedule is now 8:30am to 5pm which means no rushing to get out of bed.. no stress to start the day and if I don't get downstairs to eat breakfast until 7am it means I STILL have 45 min till I have to leave. (not having to stress as soon as I wake is has been nice!)

Sleep, it's a glorious thing. I can hit my alarm for half an hour and still be okay it's a GREAT feeling. Could it seriously been this simple? I seem to be in a better mood and much happier at work... this remains to be seen since it's only been 3 days but positive thoughts here.

Leonard Cohen - Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye

It feels like there was so much loss this year.  But when I look back I really only ("only") lost my relationship with Boston and my Nany passed away.



If I had it to do again, if I had known it would be my last conversation with Boston, I probably would've said a lot of mean-spirited and over-dramatic things.  Things he would have hated to hear.  Maybe that's why he doesn't pick up the phone anymore.  He was the first one to point out that I can be incredibly cruel when I'm hurt (flaw #1983).  But I would have said a million soft things too.  About how he saved me by teaching me I could save myself.  About how he showed me the light and the way out of a terrible marriage.  About how grateful I was for him loving my boys.  About how I wanted to always be his friend because there were jokes only HE would get (sexy chipmunk man?) and no one would ever listen to me rant politically the way he did.  About how he was the very first person to say "smart" when he described me to other people.  And how special that made me feel.  About how I would always love him in a way I could never love anyone else.  About how I hear in my head a thousand times a day, in that stupid accent, running commentary on things I read or watch or say, etc.  Just that I would always love him. I would whisper it over and over so he would always know there was someone who did.  I wouldn't do silence as our final goodbye.

If I had it to do again, if I had known it would be the last time I would talk to my Nany, I would ask her approximately 4790 questions.  How do you make Heavenly Hash?  Why is it better than all the fruit salad on the planet?  How did she keep going on, carrying around her love for Eddie in her heart?  How did she keep laughing after all that had been done to her?   Why were Jonna and I in that raft singing "Key Largo" in the living room?  What was the key to surviving all she had been through?  Would I make it?  Did I have her true grit?  Would I ever be the kind of woman and mother and person she was?  How?  I would tell her that my boys carry her twinkle of laughter in their eyes, that it's impossible that it's genetic, but somehow it just is.  I would tell her that I never could have come this far without her.  That her and my Jersey Mama somehow saved me from whatever trauma I went through and pulled me out the other side, not much worse for the wear.  I would tell her I loved her until I couldn't breathe anymore.  We would all get on the phone and chant it like a mantra.  She would scold me for crying and insist we laugh at something.  She would tell me to keep trying to get Joshie Mark on Ellen.  She would tell me just to keep putting one foot in front of another and when all else fails, put on a movie for the kids and take a hot bath, they'll be fine Erica.  She would tell me I was stronger than I knew, she would tell me to take care of Cassie and Jonna and tell them to take care of me. And through it all I would just keep whispering, with my kids, "I love you, Nany".

But we don't get to know when the last time we talk to a person will be.  So, I suppose we should act like each time is the last time and mind our tongues (I'm talking to myself here, Hurt and Mean Eri).

What I've learned about myself....

Been going to see my therapist Judy for a little while now and I've noticed some things.

1 - I used to think I was always right and didn't care what anyone else thought, I'd plow over them without even thinking twice and get my way.

2 - I have to stop thinking things are going to go how I want it to, not everything works out how you want it to.

3 - When I feel dejected and down, I always put the people around me down so I can feel superior to make up for the let down.

4 - I will no longer take anything or anyone for granted. Because they could be gone in half a heartbeat.

This is just a few things, I am sure there are more but at this time it's all I got.

Things with Kevin and I are going well. I have found I have done a few of these things to him and will catch myself seconds afterwards. He is very understanding because he did research online about bi-polar for me, A.D.D. for Eric and Autism for Sebastian. Hopefully it will help him understand what happens on a daily basis. I am shocked he didn't run for the hills after realizing he's got 3 different mental disorders with my family.

We seem to be growing closer every time we are together, I'm working on trust with him.. scares the shit out of me though.

Later.

You may not want to read this.

My personal note to the Government of the United States....

To start this off, I no longer believe main stream media... I exclusively go to this website:

http://asheepnomore.net/

First off Obama is so out of touch with the world.... he's in denial and really needs to have some sense shaken back into him.

Dear Government,

Now that people are being killed everyday, it is no longer a shock to me... I do still shake my head and say "what is wrong with people". I can only hope and pray you are not over exaggeration these tragedies.

Call me a conspiracy theorists if you want, but if you are trying to desensitize us to these horrible and terrible acts as we have been to the nudity and sexuality on TV you are sorely mistaken. I don't own a gun, but if you take them away the criminals will still find a way to get one.

With that being said there is nothing you can do to stop criminals from getting them and the rest of us will be in more danger. It's like prohibition, people still got alcohol.. enough said.

Sincerely,

A mother of a special needs child who wants a better world for him, not one run by people who treat us like a lesser human being.

P.S. I know what you are trying to do to this country and the world I can only pray I have died of old ages of natural causes, not by you poisoning my food or killing me because you think I know too much before this all happens and sucks the happiness out of everything in this world.

"We're all we've got on this bouncing ball"*

There are a lot of things the political/news junkie in me would like to say about the shooting in San Bernardino.  But today is not the time for that.  Today is the time for us to heal as a nation.  To embrace California, the way we've embraced Fort Hood, Colorado, New York, Paris, The Pentagon, those amazing people and their families from Flight 93, and a dozen other locations and hundreds of thousands of other people over the last 20 years. Today's the time to smile at your husband and laugh with your kids.  To hug and kiss and cuddle.  To think about the things that makes your family uniquely special and to honor and cherish that.  To grieve for a nation that has come to this.  That has fucking come to this.  

Look, it's no secret that I've got the rage of a thousand furies and most people would tell you that my first instinct in every situation is "fight", not flight.  But the other side of that is that somehow I do compassion really freaking well.  And right now, we have a nation in mourning.  I believe, if my old lady  memory serves that this is the deadliest shooting since the 12 dead at the Dark Knight shooting and the 13 dead at Fort Hood.  Whoever is responsible, whatever their motivation, whatever the answers are, let's leave that for another day.  I believe strongly in that (paraphrased here) quote about not hardening our children to go into a hard world, but softening our children to bring love into a hard world.

Last night, the house was thick with anxiety because I just can't walk away from the news, no matter how badly my anxiety (and my counselor) says I should.  My oldest son, who understands anxiety in a way no child should have to, brought me a mug of chamomile tea in my Edgar Allen Poe mug.  "To soothe my savage soul", I said as I pulled the child who is taller than me into my lap for a long snuggle.  He nodded, solemnly, my so serious at times, and yet so silly at other times, compassionate, protective Mama's boy.  "Why are you special?", I asked him, as I've done hundreds, if not thousands, of times.  "Because I'm the kid who made you a mom", he said, a smile brightening his serious face.

Today, I woke up early, troubled by nightmares and the news and just generally restless.  It's not an unusual place for me to be.  When Joshua got up, he ran out to snuggle me first thing and asked me, "Mama, J-O-Y, what does that spell?".  They're learning reading and word sounds in pre-school and he's obsessed with his spelling, not unlike his mother at that age.  I tried to figure out where he might've seen that specific word, however, as it is not a common word.  I looked around at the Christmas decorations and didn't see it anywhere.  I told him what it spelled and what it meant and he repeated it a few times, committing it to memory before trotting off to wake his brother.  

Later, on, I picked up my baby, my freaking 4-year-old-where-does-the-time-go-baby, from Headstart where he shines like the star he is.  Where he is a miracle in the lives there, just like he is a miracle in the lives here.  He ran to me and jumped into my arms almost breaking my old lady hips.  He proudly exclaimed, "Mama!" and then immediately laid his head on my shoulder and sucked his thumb.  This has been his gesture since he was a baby that he is truly comfortable with someone, a sign from my baby that he fully trusts and loves someone and is happy to see them.  He chattered all the way home and when we got home, David forgot and opened he door to our building before my Joshua Mark could.  There was a bit of a scuffle as we all walked back outside so Joshua could be a proper gentleman.  It is one of his favorite duties in his life's mission to be chivalrous and proper.  Then, as we climbed the stairs to the mf'ing 3rd floor  he ran ahead a few stairs and turned to wait for me and when I got to the right level, he leaned against me, hugging me and again grabbing and sucking his thumb, letting me know, without words, "Hey Mama, I love you, all is right in our world for the moment".

So I guess I told you these stories because I want to make sure they're captured.  I want to make sure to honor my over-protective 11 year old who brings tea to me before the tears come.  Who has grown so responsible and mature in the last year.  Who has been compassionate since he was 2 or 3 years old, and oh, please God don't let him ever lose that.  I guess I want to honor Joshua Mark who is a billion questions and sometimes I just want to snap because who has answers to all these questions and I'm just a mom trying to do my best y'know?  But then he asks a question like "J-O-Y, what does that spell?"  And who can snap at that?  I guess I want to give you, yes you, something to smile at if, God forbid, you don't have something to smile for.  I guess I want to encourage you to share your own smile-through-the-tears-moments in the comments.  And I guess, for today, I don't want to think about the world outside my own.

*Today's blog title comes from the family song, The Riddle.  Of course.

We all live with the scars we choose

I've been a Sugarland fan *forever*.  Nathan, too.  This song's from one of their later cds and it's always really hit home for me, being the quirktastic, largely unloveable geek I am.  "If you want it, come and get it, but you take me as I am."  I'm not going to change.  No more, never again, not for anybody.  And I want to make sure that I impart to my kids that they never have to either.  Rock out with your quirk out, y'all.

So yes, I love too much, but I'm clingy. I'm passionate, but overdramatic.  I'm empathetic, but scarred.  I laugh too loud, but I cry too loud too.    I'm optimistic, but I live in the shadows of my own torment. I have a close relationship with Christ, but I'm troubled by today's religion.  I'm loyal, but I dig my heels in on everything else too.  I'm quick to love, but quick to anger too.  I'll put up with almost anything you can throw at me, but when I'm hurt I'm mean with a vicious sharp tongue.  I am a whole person, truths, great qualities and flaws just the same.  I know exactly who I am.  And I'm learning, maybe too slowly for some people's tastes, to be okay with it.

"I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push too hard and I give too much.  I ain't sayin' I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it.  Now I'm standing here in front of you, tell me boy, what're you gonna do?"

They Made Me Partner

     Even as I write this, I am not completely sure what that means.  I have an idea, I have my bloated ego hopes, but I am not exactly sure how this is going to benefit my life in the long run aside from bragging rights. Sorry, I will back up for a second.

     I started working for this company about four months ago.  I had filled out tons of applications, perfected my resume, taken several classes, read more resume tips and tricks than I will ever remember.  I spent more than 12 hours a day EVERY day on this computer trying to find a job that would justify quitting the one I had.  Every day the guilt was building up.  Why didn't I just let it go.  It wasn't the first time someone completely ignored everything I had done, or decided to bypass my complete and utter devotion, and jump to the most obvious conclusion.  Not even the second or third time actually.  But I have evolved right?  I needed to stand up for myself, I needed to realize that my efforts were being wasted there.  I needed to stop spending so much time devoted to someone, something, that took me away from my family so much.  So I did, I left it all behind.  Yes, I took the cowardly way out.  I let a coworker know I would not be back.  I didn't have the guts to face my accuser.  I knew I was standing up for my own dignity, but I also knew that if I faced her, I would cry.  I hate crying in front of someone when I am trying to be dignified.  I can't be strong when I have been so hurt.  I hate that about myself.  I did nothing wrong, and I couldn't even muster up the courage to face her, couldn't tell her that face to face.  But I left, future unknown, security of my babies hanging in the balance.

    I opened an email my mom sent me about 3 weeks into this intense job search.  I could tell about half of it was bullshit scams.  But there was this one page that seemed legit.  Online freelance jobs.  So I signed up.  I filled out the profile page.  I entered my resume, added some examples of the awesome stuff I had done in my previous jobs.  I applied for a few jobs, then a few more, then a few more.  NOTHING.  It's not that I wasn't qualified, but I was competing against dozens of "freelancers" from other countries that underbid me by more than 50%.  How was I gonna compete with that.  I finally ended up landing a job for a compliance caller.  I was elated.  Then I realized every single person who applied, got hired.  Fine.  It's cool.  At least I will get a little bit of money this week.  So I did it, but I kept submitting proposals for various jobs.  Some were just short, quick jobs, others were long term, but it didn't matter.  I had read blogs about this, forums, help pages.  I mastered all skills required according to the world wide web.  Still.....nothing.  FUCK!

     It had been almost two months since I quit my job.  Savings was gone, even the miraculous discovery that child support had been paid, and collecting, well that was running out quick.  Then one night after a school event, I decided I needed a drink.  I needed a break.  My every thought was how to make myself stand out, to market my abilities, to sell ME.  But all the while, abiding by the hundreds of guidelines I have studied and memorized.  So a few shots in, I threw it all into the wind.  I decided that being the cookie cutter applicant wasn't working.  I had done EVERYTHING by the book. EVERYTHING. Well guess what, the BOOK fucking sucks!!!  So in my half inebriated state, I chose a posting for a job that sounded cool, one I knew I was totally capable of rocking at, and I proceeded to write a proposal straight from ME.  No guidelines, no rules. JUST JEN.  I'm not gonna lie, that proposal kicked some serious ASS!  It was even better the next morning when I read it sober! HA, yeah I am just fucking awesome.  Then I waited.  I didn't stop applying, or submitting resume's, but I was still waiting.  NOTHING.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!???  Why is it so hard to make people see how fucking awesome I am!?  I just didn't get it.

     So I forgot about it.  I kept trekking on.  I managed to get a couple more little jobs that gave me at least some pocket change.  But I was frustrated beyond all reason.   I started applying for anything and everything now.  I got hired.  I got hired at a call center, which was great, because I like call centers.  But I got hired making less than I was at my old job.  Whatever, at least it's something, I will just keep looking while I am at least making a paycheck.  Then I got hired again, at another call center, making 5 bucks more an hour than I was making at my old job.  Only thing is it was 25 miles away, and working nights again, which again, meant I would never see my kids.  But I am bad ass! I will get promoted quick, I will be able to get a better schedule, and this is just a bump in the road right? A bump that will lead to much better things.  Yes.  I took my drug test, turned in all paperwork, set to start in a week.  Monday. This is the start of new things for us.  I was excited! Of course that would be too easy.  Because why? Oh yeah, because you are Jen, and life is just not that easy!

     Saturday night, YEAH, SATURDAY NIGHT, who the fuck is working Saturday night??? But yes, Saturday before I started my new high paying job I got an email from the dude who saw my cocky ass, ego filled, drunk written proposal.  First he complimented my awesome writing. Of Course. HA! Then proceeded to tell me that he thought I was an excellent fit, however, he was worried that the fact that I was a "Rock Star" might mean that I would be over qualified, and that worried him, due to the fact that I would expect more from them than they could give me.  SIDENOTE: Part of my pitch was that I was NOT a customer service representative, I was a Customer Service ROCK STAR.  I wasn't sure what to say.  Do I try to convince him that I would be worth it in the long run and risk this great paying, albeit neglect my family, job.....or do I risk taking a slightly lowering paying job that meant being home, ALWAYS?  HAHAH!! Of course I take the risk! I wouldn't be me otherwise.

     So I have spent the last 4 months doing things I have never done.  The business that hired me, was not established.  Not even close.  They had a great business plan, they had enough money to pay me every week, and they had great ideas.  I have put in tons of hours, yet, I have also been allowed to make the schedule, allowing me to take my kids to and from school, attend school events, make doctors appointments, and pretty much everything else I need to do.  FUCK YES.  Until one of the 2 owners ran out of money.  Apparently things don't always go according to plan.  Profit was not being made, shit was just not working like it should.  But that's because I was being limited, not able to help in places that I was pretty sure I could.  Funny thing about running out of money, you get desperate.  They got desperate.  In 3 months since things should have been running right, we have managed to close a deal.  Yeah, that's right 1!  One deal has been closed.  But that was before the ROCK STAR took over.

     Total and utter desperation finally gave me the opportunity to shine.  I know you didn't forget, but I just need to say it again.....one deal in 3 months.  Jen took over 2 departments.  Customer Service was already in the bag, cuz that's just how I roll.  Human resources was a disaster, I fixed that.  But we can't make money without marketing. Marketing is the HEART of this business.  I took that over Monday.  Today is Sunday.  I have never marketed in my life.  Today is Sunday.  Yeah I know I said that already.  I learned marketing on Monday.  I closed my fifth deal today.  I closed my first on Friday. Saturday they made me partner.  They made me partner.  I repeat it because quite honestly it still hasn't sunk in.  I am part owner in a company that I am fully capable of running, and not just that, but making successful.  They made me partner. 

what I'm scared of....

I'm scared of being home alone. But with the kids I have to be super careful they don't realize it. When it's cold outside and dark so early now if I am not inside away from the windows, I will notice it and my paranoia will kick in. I don't know how anyone can live by themselves, but I am not one of them.

Losing Kevin. I have lost 2 guys to my "supposed" female best friends and now I can't bare the thought of losing him. But the best think about losing them is first off realizing they never really loved me and secondly I would have never met Kevin.

Losing another pet I was so close to. It has been over a year and I still cry over my champion Scout. I think it's because I never had such a close bond to a pet in my life. He was one of the family and was treated as such all the time. I miss my cuddle buddy on the cold nights, I miss how he'd howl with me. *sigh*

Having one of my kids go missing. OMG, I've had nightmares about this many times, mostly about my youngest Sebastian. It almost came true at Darien Lake a few years ago when we lost sight of him... he had wandered off to watch the Viper, which he's obsessed with Roller Coasters. I was so upset, I never let him out of my sight ever again... he's 9 now but I won't let him out of my sight even now. (well obviously I don't follow him into the bathroom or to school, but you know what I mean!)

I really have a lot I am scared of, even as an adult. I have my fears, a few typical of a mother and others that are probably from the past.

Realized something today....

I totally forgot to take my medication this morning... by the evening I was already starting to get emotional, I could tell. I was being needy, whiny and wanted my way... wanted to be the center of attention.. confirmation and to be reminded of why I am important... thought that no one would care of notice if I was gone...

BUT, the big news is I knew what was causing it and didn't let it bring me down. I stuck out the night with my friend, came home, showered and decided I needed to write this down.

Apparently my therapy session are helping with something!

a little bit of a good time..

Tomorrow I am leaving with Kevin at 6am, to drive all the way to Michigan. His mother moved last week from California to Michigan, so I am going with him to help with unpacking more stuff. I am very excited as I have never been to Michigan, I think it will be great. Can't wait to see the scenery on our way there.

I am just a little nervous meeting her though. We will have to see what happens. Then Sunday morning we are driving back.. I don't know how I am going to feel about going back to "real life" after that but oh well.

Everyone keep us in your thoughts for a safe trip!

Today has been an awful day....

... one of those days where you just want to crawl under the sheets and do nothing. Last night I had trouble sleeping.. today I had pointed out I made a HUGE mistake and this big order of almost 1K gone... refunded lost... oh great.

I don't ever want to post the truth again... it hurts me by hurting people. I've already said this many time, this is why I go home and just stay there... I always hurt  people.. even if I am just trying to understand them and ask a lot of questions... or if I feel left out, or if I feel ignored, or if I feel bad, sad or miserable.

I quit, that's all there is to it. I am too much to deal with, I know this... no wonder my husband and I are getting a divorce, I'm getting worse instead of better... I don't know where to go from here.

*sigh*