Thursday, August 11, 2016

I am not doing well...

I feel like I am losing myself.

I feel alone, worthless and unworthy of my life.

I see people post and write about all the accomplishments their "normal" child is achieving.

While mine just likes being on his tablet, drinking apple juice and is labeled as "special".

I never expect my child to graduate at the "usual" time as other kids, I never expect him to be able to live on his own. I feel like I will never be able to feel the sense that other parents do. I feel like I am missing out on things a "normal" child would do in their life.

My kids will never be into sports, or play an instrument. They won't be in the choir or win awards. Go to college or hold a prestigious job.  AND HOLY SHIT I SPELT PRESTIGIOUS RIGHT!?

What a let down I have been to this life, this world. I can not accomplish anything. I am just another face in the crowd and I am just another nobody. If my biggest accomplishment in my life is just working my ass off and getting no where, well then it's been a waste of a life. I feel like I was suppose to be more than what I am, I am suppose to be better off.

I am just the opposite of what my dreams were.

I am fat, stupid, worthless. My kids are both "mentally disabled", my marriage is dissolving and I am a fucked up mentally bi-polar waste of space on this planet.

Why was I born? Why am I even here? Is this all that I was to become? Where did I screw up in my life to end up here? If God had this amazing plan for my life, where did I go off the path he wanted me to be on? Is there even a God? Why am I where I am today? Why did he make me the way I am? Why did he let these things happen to me to make me the way I am? Why did he make someone like me? Was I a mistake that went through the cracks? I really hope he broke the mold when he made me because I don't think the world could deal with another person like me.

I wish I was dead.

No comments:

Post a Comment