Today was the follow up with my doctor from the medication she put me on 8 weeks ago.
I was sure to mention my anxiety attack on from two weeks ago. She asked if I had thought of killing myself and told the truth and said yes I had. She asked how long it lasted, I said about an hour. She asked how I'd do it.. I honestly told her.. "I'd thought about it several times, I couldn't do anything to put myself in pain so I'd most likely OD on medications so I could go peacefully in my sleep." I told her about my friend on FB who committed suicide and how I could never figure out why she didn't think about how her kids would be without a mom. As you know from my last post, I could honestly see it from her point of view and it scared me. She wants me to see a therapist/psychologist and of course the first thing I bring up is MONEY... it's a HUGE issue since I had filed for bankruptcy. As of right now I am late on my car payment for August. Other than that everything else is good. So an extra 35x2 = 70 dollars a month is a BIG chunk for me.
She wants me to do twice a month visits with someone, my former therapist is still practicing so I am to get a hold of her. I am not happy, I will now have the added worry about money. I am not, they are already billing me for this visit and she wants me back in a month. Does she think my visits to her are free? WTF. I found out my night time meds for anxiety have a mild sleep aid in it... NO SHIT! Why no one told me this I'll never know. Sweet! Now I know what to do when I can't sleep... the last 4 days have been tired and wanting a nap. I know what I am taking tonight.
I know I've been depressed since my anxiety attack, as I've just wanted to go straight home after work. No visits with friends, just home safe. It's taken every fiber of my being not to do that. I didn't go to a baby shower I was invited to or to my friend's gig at a bar this weekend due to it. I went almost a whole week without a shower and finally took one on Friday. I have put doing whatever it necessary to function in this world to the side. If I had my way I'd never leave my house again, except to do something that helps with my anxiety/depression like shopping or eating.
I'd love to take a nap right now, but it will make it even worse trying to sleep tonight. I want to just eat and gorge myself but I know it's not because I am hungry. Is it boredom? Could it be to help my mental state? I know I am an emotional eater, no question about it. That is where most of my extra money goes after I pay bills. Seriously.
Well, that's all I have to say really, I seriously want a nap right now. Sleep my life away, that's how I know I am depressed, when I want to sleep all the time.