So, as we approach White Friday we are going to keep talking about Mental Heath struggles and since I am not a mental health professional I do it my way.
I don't know much about official suicide prevention strategies, I am going to talk about how I made it to 38. Although I don't remember seriously attempting suicide, as a child I did try to overdose on nyquil a few times. I just slept a lot, thankfully, and no one noticed. I used to cut up my arms with the tips of safety pins to feel the pain. I heated up a BIC lighter once (or twice) and used it to burn the smiley face into my skin. I was an unhappy kid when left alone. My parents divorced and my Father wanted nothing to do with me. He told me he would stay close and I could visit but he lied. He went to Illinois and never came back. My Mom worked tirelessly to support and provide for us. I was often lonely which was hard for me because I was an extremely affectionate kid. I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand that most parents don't walk away from their kids. I also took decades to understand that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't unlovable or horrible, he had issues.
I am not sure what kept me from trying to kill myself seriously. We had to move and change schools where I experienced bullying for the first time ever and I was separated from the kids I had grown up with. Part of it was that my Mom, my sister, and I are extremely close and I couldn't hurt them like that. My mom sacrificed seeing my childhood so that I could have what I needed. I didn't have the best of everything but I had a great home life. I think I hung on for her
As a Mom, I am so glad I did. Even with all the bad stuff that has happened in my life, I would have missed the good. I have some really sublime friends. I married one of my best friends and his two boys and we had two more. No matter what I do or where I go, being a Mom is the greatest moment/accomplishment/ride of my life.
I guess my point in telling you all of this is to remind you to hold on. Even when it looks bleak and black it will get better. If I had been successful all those years ago I would have missed out on some of the best moments of my life. I would have missed out on being a Mother, a wife, an Aunt, a sister, a college graduate, a best friend, and a blogger. I would have missed out on the chance to share this post with you. I hope that someone can benefit from my experience. I hope that something in here makes you realize that there is much more good stuff to come. Please don't end your story here because there is more to come.
Hang in there