Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Anxiety and me....

Makes for a nice movie or book title doesn't it?

Today was a horrible anxiety attack at work and I had to come home. In the heat of the attack I was responding to an email of a friend who had said something hurtful to me. It ended with FML, FTW, I wanna die. I am now here at home.... I wish I had some kind of coping mechanism so I can either tone these down or make them stop all together.

It's funny how I woke up this morning and had a feeling something was going to happen and it did. Something has been building up and I couldn't put my finger on it, this is one of many outburst I can see happening. Since Friday it's felt like something was going to happen, I've been happy and without a care in the world. Sunday night the anxiety and stress kicked in for work. Yesterday at work was surreal and I think today the world came crashing down on me all at once and I couldn't handle it.

You know it's true, you tend to hurt the ones you love. I guess because when you feel you are suffering or are in pain they are the ones you to go hoping that they will understand and help. But as with myself, the words don't come out that way... they come out hurtful and spiteful towards that other person and in turn hurts them and they throw back hurtful and spiteful things at you and then you have an attack and throw it back at then 10 fold with the note ending with "Fuck my life, fuck the world, I just wanna die."

This takes me back to a face book friend Valerie Dalzotto. She committed suicide a year ago, she was very depressed and felt lonely. She was beautiful, funny and sweet. We had a connection and I would chat with her from time to time. She left behind three beautiful children and her husband.  I always wondered what she was thinking, leaving behind her kids and family who needed her... but today I saw what she did.

At that point you feel worthless, like you should not be allowed to breathe the same air. Like you are a waste of space and a burden to everyone. You can't function properly or be somewhat "normal". You feel your friends are better off with some who won't lash out at any given time due to an imbalance. You feel your family could be spared all the drama and bullshit you spit out if you were dead or gone from their lives. - This last sentence is what scares me. I've never gone to this point before in my life.

I feel like my bi-polar is getting stronger? Is that even possible... or I'm becoming weaker and succumbing to it? Most times I don't give into my thoughts, but today I decided I was leaving work and crawling under the sheets and not coming out for hours. I did leave work, but I am not in bed hiding under my sheets yet, I wanted to write this down for memory sake and get it out there. Then I can do whatever I want, be it hide under my sheets or sleep away this terror.

1 comment:

  1. The world needs you. You can be a voice for bipolar disorder. Keep blogging. Blog 17 times a day if it helps. The sisterhood needs you. Love you!