My struggles, my pain, my darkness.....

Who remembers.....? Remember what you ask. I don't know, I forgot.

Want to eat, no just want to be left alone, or left to sleep. 

I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll hide in my own little world.

Put on the ear buds, lose yourself in the music.

You are numb, displaced from the world.

Hoping this will help you for a while to help you get away from your everyday struggles, but it's still there in the back of your head and won't leave.

You can't get away, you can ignore it.

You can drink until you don't hear it anymore, you can sleep to keep it at bay, but eventually you need to wake up, sober up and take off those ear buds.

Then it's just you and the dark place in the back of your head again.

You can not get away, it will always be there.

Now, I understand why people commit suicide... to stop the voices. I totally understand that. At times it will tell me I'm worthless, I'm a failure and I am an idiot. It will remind me of how I failed at a wife, failing as a mother and failing at my life. It will remind me that I will never have to deal with an "empty nest" as my kids have mental disabilities and will never be able to live on their own. It reminds me how fat and ugly I am, but at the same time tempts me with unhealthy food choices and comfort food which is not good for me. I can't not break this cycle, no matter how hard I try.

These are my demons that I hide from my friend, co-workers, boss, kids. I don't want them to see how I suffer, from depression, anxiety and my own head plotting against me. I drag myself along and struggle everyday to get through. Put on a great face to no one knows.

I posted this on face book the other day and it's very true.

And this second one was most interesting.......

Oh my aim is deadly...

Until someone listens to me, I'm not going to stop saying it:  Little Big Town is the most underrated band in country music.  Amen.

needs as opposed to wants....

Yes, yes... they say dream BIG or go home.
But with a BIG credit card costs you could lose your home!

But, you really need to keep the costs of things in check.

Once Kevin and  I get our house, he really wants to get a full dining room set, and also new beds for every bedroom... which would be pricy. Why do into more debt when you are already spending that much on a house!?

Now if it was part of the loan maybe.... but the last thing I want to do is rack up a bunch of credit card bills to have all new furniture in a house we just bought. I don't know if that's even crossed his mind. I just got rid of a huge amount of money due to the bankruptcy and now he wants me to have more? We will really need to talk about that. Also the house is going in his name only.... I unfortunately already have mine on two loans on the house I currently live in.

I don't think he's seeing the big picture I don't want to work for the rest of my life so I can have pretty things in my house that I can't enjoy.

It's such a BIG issue, you want it but you don't need it to live. All I've ever wanted is a home that I felt was beautiful with matching furniture, not this hodgepodge of stuff... which seems to be Kevin's dream too, but he's like older than me and when he dies I am left with those HUGE bills! He really needs to think ahead, I don't make 22+ dollars an hour like he does. *sigh*

Such a downer when I have to think logically aren't I? :)

Before you judge... Think

So, I went in to Kroger at 6am this morning to get milk and bread. And maybe overpriced coffee but that isn't pertinent. Anyway, I needed milk for dinner and I wasn't sleeping so I decided to go and avoid people.

Now, I was not really dressed for people. I had on a long, long skirt, a tank top, slipper socks, and ridiculously blingy BOB shoes. Walking out the door, I noticed the cold front was coming in so I grabbed this insane scarf thing with pockets that I got for Christmas. It is soft and really warm, plus it is 6am on a Saturday morning. I was going to the store for less than 5 things. Who shops at 6am on Saturday morning in a small town?

I encountered in the produce section a middle aged lady in her workout gear eyeing me. She asked under her breath what I could have been thinking this morning. I smiled and walked away but here is what I wish I had said. In fact, I wish more of us said things just like this.

Well Ms. Fitness, you have a few options to choose from:

1. I am a crazy, spunky person with my own fashion sense.

2. My fashionista nephew dressed me while sitting nekkid in his Mom's closet among the undisclosed number of Chuck Taylor's that she has.

3. I have a mental health condition and I don't do well in crowds. My outfit allows me to repel unwanted interactions. OR this scarf like thing is a security object that brings me comfort allowing me limited outings.

4. I had abdominal surgery a few weeks ago and cannot tolerate things on my belly. This skirt allows me, being fun sized, to pull it up like Urkel (Google it young ones) and achieve some level of comfort. My belly has been hurting 18 of the last 24 hours and my clothing options are limited. I am here at 6 am to comfortably get necessities before going home, eating pain killers, and crawling onto the only freaking comfortable place in my house to try again to sleep before my family gets up.

You are going to think which ever one you want despite it being number 4. I really don't care what you think. What I hope to accomplish by putting this blog up is that if you are in Ms. Fitness' shoes you will think and not judge. We see the external things but there is often no way to really know what is going on internally. You don't know my story and I don't know yours. We are all fighting our own battles. We have our own set of insecurities and challenges. It costs you nothing to be kind. If you are overcome with curiosity, try asking instead of assuming.

Happy Sunday everyone. Sorry about the extended absence but I am graduating in May and I have an enormous amount of work ahead of me.

Strange, I noticed this today....

OMG, did you see that? When did that sneak in here?

It's been dark in here for a long time and I think it's been so long that I didn't realize it was here. Was that.... hope? Was that a shimmer of a dream? What was it that just flew past me... was it something about the future?

When did I start dreaming again? Is that why I've been so different lately? What is causing this?

Well, glad you asked!

My work schedule is now 8:30am to 5pm which means no rushing to get out of bed.. no stress to start the day and if I don't get downstairs to eat breakfast until 7am it means I STILL have 45 min till I have to leave. (not having to stress as soon as I wake is has been nice!)

Sleep, it's a glorious thing. I can hit my alarm for half an hour and still be okay it's a GREAT feeling. Could it seriously been this simple? I seem to be in a better mood and much happier at work... this remains to be seen since it's only been 3 days but positive thoughts here.

Leonard Cohen - Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye

It feels like there was so much loss this year.  But when I look back I really only ("only") lost my relationship with Boston and my Nany passed away.



If I had it to do again, if I had known it would be my last conversation with Boston, I probably would've said a lot of mean-spirited and over-dramatic things.  Things he would have hated to hear.  Maybe that's why he doesn't pick up the phone anymore.  He was the first one to point out that I can be incredibly cruel when I'm hurt (flaw #1983).  But I would have said a million soft things too.  About how he saved me by teaching me I could save myself.  About how he showed me the light and the way out of a terrible marriage.  About how grateful I was for him loving my boys.  About how I wanted to always be his friend because there were jokes only HE would get (sexy chipmunk man?) and no one would ever listen to me rant politically the way he did.  About how he was the very first person to say "smart" when he described me to other people.  And how special that made me feel.  About how I would always love him in a way I could never love anyone else.  About how I hear in my head a thousand times a day, in that stupid accent, running commentary on things I read or watch or say, etc.  Just that I would always love him. I would whisper it over and over so he would always know there was someone who did.  I wouldn't do silence as our final goodbye.

If I had it to do again, if I had known it would be the last time I would talk to my Nany, I would ask her approximately 4790 questions.  How do you make Heavenly Hash?  Why is it better than all the fruit salad on the planet?  How did she keep going on, carrying around her love for Eddie in her heart?  How did she keep laughing after all that had been done to her?   Why were Jonna and I in that raft singing "Key Largo" in the living room?  What was the key to surviving all she had been through?  Would I make it?  Did I have her true grit?  Would I ever be the kind of woman and mother and person she was?  How?  I would tell her that my boys carry her twinkle of laughter in their eyes, that it's impossible that it's genetic, but somehow it just is.  I would tell her that I never could have come this far without her.  That her and my Jersey Mama somehow saved me from whatever trauma I went through and pulled me out the other side, not much worse for the wear.  I would tell her I loved her until I couldn't breathe anymore.  We would all get on the phone and chant it like a mantra.  She would scold me for crying and insist we laugh at something.  She would tell me to keep trying to get Joshie Mark on Ellen.  She would tell me just to keep putting one foot in front of another and when all else fails, put on a movie for the kids and take a hot bath, they'll be fine Erica.  She would tell me I was stronger than I knew, she would tell me to take care of Cassie and Jonna and tell them to take care of me. And through it all I would just keep whispering, with my kids, "I love you, Nany".

But we don't get to know when the last time we talk to a person will be.  So, I suppose we should act like each time is the last time and mind our tongues (I'm talking to myself here, Hurt and Mean Eri).

What I've learned about myself....

Been going to see my therapist Judy for a little while now and I've noticed some things.

1 - I used to think I was always right and didn't care what anyone else thought, I'd plow over them without even thinking twice and get my way.

2 - I have to stop thinking things are going to go how I want it to, not everything works out how you want it to.

3 - When I feel dejected and down, I always put the people around me down so I can feel superior to make up for the let down.

4 - I will no longer take anything or anyone for granted. Because they could be gone in half a heartbeat.

This is just a few things, I am sure there are more but at this time it's all I got.

Things with Kevin and I are going well. I have found I have done a few of these things to him and will catch myself seconds afterwards. He is very understanding because he did research online about bi-polar for me, A.D.D. for Eric and Autism for Sebastian. Hopefully it will help him understand what happens on a daily basis. I am shocked he didn't run for the hills after realizing he's got 3 different mental disorders with my family.

We seem to be growing closer every time we are together, I'm working on trust with him.. scares the shit out of me though.

Later.