moving along....

I guess with Erica's post I will have to do my own thing.

I have decided to go and keep my own private journal out of the public eye.

I don't feel I do anything but complain and let out my deepest, darkest feelings here and the only person I feel benefiting from it is me. So I am off to my own personal place.

I don't know what happened with everyone else, but I understand where Erica is coming from and I wish her the BEST of luck with her new blog

https://irishigaveachuck.blogspotcom/

I quote the genie from Aladdin ... "I'm outta here....."

Guest Status

Hi Gang, Eri here.  It's no secret it's been pretty quiet around here.  Hell if it weren't for Cindy, no one would keep the lights on, I don't think.  I check in often and read comments but life has gotten a little whack-a-doodle and I haven't had an abundance of time to give myself here (which may make the announcement at the end a bit of a surprise).  Between being a newlywed, having TWO big boys in school, being published (and therefore churning out more writing) and attempting to get my degree in the next 3 semesters in HIMT (Health Information Medical Technology), I'm pretty much always on the run.  Some days I don't have time even for the girls of this tribe.  None of these are excuses for abandoning you, just an explanation of what life looks like 'round here lately.

THAT BEING SAID:  I need an outlet for my writing, my opinions, my feelings, my whatever, more than I ever have before. This blog is fantastic and amazing because it includes so many (wicked fahkin') talented writers from all walks of life.  So, I would never leave here totally.  This remains a great avenue and place for discussions about family, parenting, putting an end to child abuse and, of course, erasing the stigma on mental illness.  But, I am going to pull back a little further.  I will always be reachable by this blog, but as for writing, I'm going to give what little spare time I have to a project that is wholly Eri.  Irish I gave a Chuck, but I don't is going to be my new hotspot for talking about everything.  I'm a woman of many interests and a vast variety of political views, but I have never wanted to paint all my girls with one brush.  With the insanity of this election season, I've had a lot to say.  That I've mostly kept to myself.  At least once a day, ESPN calls me with sports news I'm dying to share.  I've made a daily commitment to writing and sometimes I want to be able to share that work with you.  And of course, I always want to talk about music, my family and Chuck Taylor sneakers (AMEN!).  So, come give me a shout at the new site and let me know you're there.

I don't want anyone who has reached out to us for mental health help or advice about child abuse, etc, so let me be perfectly fahkin' clear:  I will still receive emails about comments here, and obviously, at the new site.  No one is being abandoned :)  I love y'all, keep checking back here for great stuff from our other, amazing writers and maybe, occasionally a "hi" from me!

Love always,
Eri

I am not doing well...

https://youtu.be/H-CfiE6YCqY

I feel like I am losing myself.

I feel alone, worthless and unworthy of my life.

I see people post and write about all the accomplishments their "normal" child is achieving.

While mine just likes being on his tablet, drinking apple juice and is labeled as "special".

I never expect my child to graduate at the "usual" time as other kids, I never expect him to be able to live on his own. I feel like I will never be able to feel the sense that other parents do. I feel like I am missing out on things a "normal" child would do in their life.

My kids will never be into sports, or play an instrument. They won't be in the choir or win awards. Go to college or hold a prestigious job.  AND HOLY SHIT I SPELT PRESTIGIOUS RIGHT!?

What a let down I have been to this life, this world. I can not accomplish anything. I am just another face in the crowd and I am just another nobody. If my biggest accomplishment in my life is just working my ass off and getting no where, well then it's been a waste of a life. I feel like I was suppose to be more than what I am, I am suppose to be better off.

I am just the opposite of what my dreams were.

I am fat, stupid, worthless. My kids are both "mentally disabled", my marriage is dissolving and I am a fucked up mentally bi-polar waste of space on this planet.

Why was I born? Why am I even here? Is this all that I was to become? Where did I screw up in my life to end up here? If God had this amazing plan for my life, where did I go off the path he wanted me to be on? Is there even a God? Why am I where I am today? Why did he make me the way I am? Why did he let these things happen to me to make me the way I am? Why did he make someone like me? Was I a mistake that went through the cracks? I really hope he broke the mold when he made me because I don't think the world could deal with another person like me.

I wish I was dead.

This pisses me off.... I'm furious

https://www.cradle.org/adoptive-parents/special-needs-adoption/seeking-special-family

Get this:

We are looking for a special family for a baby boy who is due in September 2016. Genetic testing has confirmed that the baby has Down syndrome. The expectant parents are considering adoption because they do not feel adequately prepared to care for a child with special needs. They are a Caucasian couple, in their early to mid-thirties, and have healthy backgrounds. The expectant mother has received prenatal care throughout the pregnancy and has not used drugs or alcohol. She has a college degree; the father has a high school degree.

The fetal echocardiogram at 27 weeks indicates a large ventricular septal defect with balanced AV canal and primum atrial septal defect. Most children with this diagnosis must undergo surgery to correct the defect.

The expectant parents for this baby prefer adoptive applicants who are married and heterosexual; however, they will also consider a single female applicant. They would like to have ongoing contact after placement, including regular updates and occasional in-person visits. We are seeking prospective adoptive parents with an approved home study who would be excited to welcome this child into their family.

If interested, please fill out the pre-application form.
We have a careful screening process for identifying prospective adoptive families and we review all pre-applications that are submitted. Although residing in Illinois is not a requirement, we do prioritize those families who have an approved home study by an Illinois agency.

****Ready for my rank about this?****

WTF is wrong with these parents? "..do not feel adequately prepared to care for a child with special needs?" I was not prepared to care for BOTH of my kids who have special needs, in fact none of that testing was done.. The parents sound selfish if you ask me.

"They would like ongoing contact after placement, including regular updates and occasional in-person visits." WHAT THE HELL FOR!? You gave this kid up! With all the surgery, therapy and specialists appointments this child will need do you think the new parents will have time to do this for you? Are you crazy! These parents are doing all the work for you and you just want to pop in like an absentee parent and say hi. The minute things get uncomfortable to you because of the child's mental/physical state you'll run off?

Suck it up idiots, you created this child, you take care of it and raise it. From my point of view you are being selfish and immature. Are you going to do this with every child you make? What if all of them will be special needs? Are you willing to take this chance every time? Do you realize most kids in need of adoption are "special needs" children no one will take. Keep your kid, love them, let them know they are loved, because if this kid is smart they will realize you threw them away because of your selfishness. From someone who had special needs children, there is no such thing as normal.

Poem

The sun is shining,
the sky is blue,
fluffy little clouds,
are moving through.

On the outside I look,
like I'm happy and okay,
but on the inside,
there is darkness and pain.

The mask I put on,
is to keep my son safe,
there is still time for him,
but for me it's too late.

My struggles, my pain, my darkness.....

Who remembers.....? Remember what you ask. I don't know, I forgot.

Want to eat, no just want to be left alone, or left to sleep. 

I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll hide in my own little world.

Put on the ear buds, lose yourself in the music.

You are numb, displaced from the world.

Hoping this will help you for a while to help you get away from your everyday struggles, but it's still there in the back of your head and won't leave.

You can't get away, you can ignore it.

You can drink until you don't hear it anymore, you can sleep to keep it at bay, but eventually you need to wake up, sober up and take off those ear buds.

Then it's just you and the dark place in the back of your head again.

You can not get away, it will always be there.

Now, I understand why people commit suicide... to stop the voices. I totally understand that. At times it will tell me I'm worthless, I'm a failure and I am an idiot. It will remind me of how I failed at a wife, failing as a mother and failing at my life. It will remind me that I will never have to deal with an "empty nest" as my kids have mental disabilities and will never be able to live on their own. It reminds me how fat and ugly I am, but at the same time tempts me with unhealthy food choices and comfort food which is not good for me. I can't not break this cycle, no matter how hard I try.

These are my demons that I hide from my friend, co-workers, boss, kids. I don't want them to see how I suffer, from depression, anxiety and my own head plotting against me. I drag myself along and struggle everyday to get through. Put on a great face to no one knows.

I posted this on face book the other day and it's very true.

And this second one was most interesting.......

Oh my aim is deadly...

Until someone listens to me, I'm not going to stop saying it:  Little Big Town is the most underrated band in country music.  Amen.

needs as opposed to wants....

Yes, yes... they say dream BIG or go home.
But with a BIG credit card costs you could lose your home!

But, you really need to keep the costs of things in check.

Once Kevin and  I get our house, he really wants to get a full dining room set, and also new beds for every bedroom... which would be pricy. Why do into more debt when you are already spending that much on a house!?

Now if it was part of the loan maybe.... but the last thing I want to do is rack up a bunch of credit card bills to have all new furniture in a house we just bought. I don't know if that's even crossed his mind. I just got rid of a huge amount of money due to the bankruptcy and now he wants me to have more? We will really need to talk about that. Also the house is going in his name only.... I unfortunately already have mine on two loans on the house I currently live in.

I don't think he's seeing the big picture I don't want to work for the rest of my life so I can have pretty things in my house that I can't enjoy.

It's such a BIG issue, you want it but you don't need it to live. All I've ever wanted is a home that I felt was beautiful with matching furniture, not this hodgepodge of stuff... which seems to be Kevin's dream too, but he's like older than me and when he dies I am left with those HUGE bills! He really needs to think ahead, I don't make 22+ dollars an hour like he does. *sigh*

Such a downer when I have to think logically aren't I? :)

Before you judge... Think

So, I went in to Kroger at 6am this morning to get milk and bread. And maybe overpriced coffee but that isn't pertinent. Anyway, I needed milk for dinner and I wasn't sleeping so I decided to go and avoid people.

Now, I was not really dressed for people. I had on a long, long skirt, a tank top, slipper socks, and ridiculously blingy BOB shoes. Walking out the door, I noticed the cold front was coming in so I grabbed this insane scarf thing with pockets that I got for Christmas. It is soft and really warm, plus it is 6am on a Saturday morning. I was going to the store for less than 5 things. Who shops at 6am on Saturday morning in a small town?

I encountered in the produce section a middle aged lady in her workout gear eyeing me. She asked under her breath what I could have been thinking this morning. I smiled and walked away but here is what I wish I had said. In fact, I wish more of us said things just like this.

Well Ms. Fitness, you have a few options to choose from:

1. I am a crazy, spunky person with my own fashion sense.

2. My fashionista nephew dressed me while sitting nekkid in his Mom's closet among the undisclosed number of Chuck Taylor's that she has.

3. I have a mental health condition and I don't do well in crowds. My outfit allows me to repel unwanted interactions. OR this scarf like thing is a security object that brings me comfort allowing me limited outings.

4. I had abdominal surgery a few weeks ago and cannot tolerate things on my belly. This skirt allows me, being fun sized, to pull it up like Urkel (Google it young ones) and achieve some level of comfort. My belly has been hurting 18 of the last 24 hours and my clothing options are limited. I am here at 6 am to comfortably get necessities before going home, eating pain killers, and crawling onto the only freaking comfortable place in my house to try again to sleep before my family gets up.

You are going to think which ever one you want despite it being number 4. I really don't care what you think. What I hope to accomplish by putting this blog up is that if you are in Ms. Fitness' shoes you will think and not judge. We see the external things but there is often no way to really know what is going on internally. You don't know my story and I don't know yours. We are all fighting our own battles. We have our own set of insecurities and challenges. It costs you nothing to be kind. If you are overcome with curiosity, try asking instead of assuming.

Happy Sunday everyone. Sorry about the extended absence but I am graduating in May and I have an enormous amount of work ahead of me.

Strange, I noticed this today....

OMG, did you see that? When did that sneak in here?

It's been dark in here for a long time and I think it's been so long that I didn't realize it was here. Was that.... hope? Was that a shimmer of a dream? What was it that just flew past me... was it something about the future?

When did I start dreaming again? Is that why I've been so different lately? What is causing this?

Well, glad you asked!

My work schedule is now 8:30am to 5pm which means no rushing to get out of bed.. no stress to start the day and if I don't get downstairs to eat breakfast until 7am it means I STILL have 45 min till I have to leave. (not having to stress as soon as I wake is has been nice!)

Sleep, it's a glorious thing. I can hit my alarm for half an hour and still be okay it's a GREAT feeling. Could it seriously been this simple? I seem to be in a better mood and much happier at work... this remains to be seen since it's only been 3 days but positive thoughts here.