Friday, October 16, 2015

therapist and stuff.....

Visit with the therapist was quite interesting on Thursday. I guess I am finally getting a "gray" area. My life is so black and white, this may be the reason why my husband and I had so many issues. Ever since what happened with "him" I don't have a gray area because I keep it simple if it's not white it's black... no in between, no leaving it to the world... that area I have no control over and I am in control of my life. If it doesn't go the way I expect, I take matters into my own hands. If you won't do it, I will, but I'll give you hell for not doing it. that gray area scares the crap out of me, it causes me to not be in control and it scares the shit out of me. I told her that too.

We talked about K, I have trust issues mostly from how things ended with "him". I worry all the time about "her" in California. So she will be known as "caligirl" anyhow, she is the reason I was in hiatus with him for 3 weeks... before new years and after... In those 3 weeks, he realized I wasn't going to deal with his crap, he can have her if he wants her and I'll just leave. He ended up spending time, supposedly deleting emails, messages and getting rid of everything she'd sent him. Trusting him on that is tough for me, because afterwards I still found stuff around and took them home and since I had her name now I did some searching online and had phone numbers and better addresses I could have sent her something and really wanted to hear things on her side of it. I never did... in fact I threw it all away and deleted it all. I still know his password and I could get into his phone whenever I want... but I haven't done it. I don't need another breakdown if there is stuff going on. *sigh*

I also told her what it feels like having this brain of mine. I can't get away from it, or get a break from it. I have it no matter where I go, its like be stuck in a cell with my worst fear... and not being able to get away... deal with it day after day after day. Nothing I can do, I can't run away from I because it goes with me. Another very valid and yucky point. Now I understand why people commit suicide, it's the only way to get away from it... it makes sense to me now. I finally understand.

I am not happy with K right now, Thursday I called to tell him what happened with the therapist and he didn't tell me that Jean was there so I wanted to talk about it and more but he didn't tell me she was there until after I had said some stuff... it pissed me off because I wanted to talk more... I went to bed very upset and sad. Was a very big let down... disappointment honestly. *sigh*

 Oh well enough about me, tomorrow I pick up my new glasses and I need new pajama pants, all of mine are ripped and it sucks.

BTW where the heck is everyone else, am I the only one writing here now?

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