Love For Lily

I was driving down the freeway, just like I do every morning, and every afternoon. I whine in my head about this a lot. I hate making this drive, all the way across town, every morning, and every afternoon, and twice on Wednesday's. But then I think, at least I am lucky enough to have my mom to help me watch the baby, and I am able to take the other kids to the schools that they all want to go to. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but we are lucky.

So Tuesday afternoon when I saw the cop behind me out of nowhere, my heart stopped. Whoa. I have no idea where he came from, but I got over real quick, he wizzed past me, and after my heart started beating regularly again, I forgot about it.,,,,,Until I got home. I hadn't even gotten all the way in the door when I was bombarded by Muppet, and the news.

"Did you hear about he 'Road Rage Incident?' I hadn't. I've been picking up kids for the last hour and half. Then I saw the news.

She was 4 fucking years old. Sitting in her car seat like she has probably done  hundreds of times. Then it was over. HER LIFE ENDED. Just like that. Because her dad didn't oblige, didn't let someone cut him off, antagonized a random person on the freeway. I hope with all my heart, that if her dad knew what would come of his quick temper, his impatience, his reaction to an ignorant piece of SHIT, that he would have reacted differently. We will never know this. Lily will never know anything more than she knew that horrendous day. She will never know anything else because she is no longer here. And WHY??? Why the FUCK is she not here??? Because there was something that was SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, so detrimental to someone's survival that someone had to pull a FUCKING GUN on someone else for not letting them in the lane in front of them?!?!?! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE SO IMPORTANT THAT IT WAS WORTH AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRLS LIFE!!!! Because I am having serious issues processing this, as is ALL of Albuquerque, and now most of the country. What has this world come to that we are so angry, and in such a rush, that a minute or two lost is worth someone's life?

I have gone through a lot of shit in my life. If I want to sit here and have a pity party, I can list off a crapload of shit that I think this life has thrown at me. But something like this happens and I just have to thank God, because my life has been easy peasy compared to SO MANY others. I have 5 kids. All of them are healthy, and alive. Lily's parents can't say that. 2 days ago they had the same normal, probably fucked up life that I do. Today, fucked up can't even kind of describe what they are dealing with. I can't even finish a sentence without sobbing, and I never met this precious little girl. THEY LOST THEIR BABY GIRL. Just like that. In an instant their entire world turned upside down.

I am not vocal about my religious beliefs. My ex-husband scarred me when it comes to that. But not for one second have I ever doubted where I come from, or where I am going. I honestly just don't think I need to share that with everyone. Today, I have let all of that go. I wholeheartedly thank GOD for everything I have. My life has been so easy compared to what I have seen SO MANY others go through. I don't know what I have done to deserve to be so blessed. But I am so thankful that the small tribulations I have had to battle are all I"ve had to face. I don't know how I could go on if Lily was taken from me. I can't even think about it for more than a second without breaking down in tears.

I sob because I can't understand what this world has come to. What is so fucking important that you have to shoot someone for a minute or two lost in traffic? Was your daughter going to die if you didn't get home in time? Your son perhaps? Mother? Wife? WHAT??!! I know I speak for the entire country when I beg to know what the FUCK WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAD TO KILL A LITTLE GIRL TO GET THERE?!?!??!

Then I stop for a minute, and I can't explain it, but I feel sorry for him too. This country is in an uproar over this incident. I guarantee he didn't consider the consequences of his actions when he acted all tough like and started firing off his gun like he was a badass. I don't think he realized that he signed his own death warrant that afternoon. I know he will not be released from custody, life ever. But I also know, if he EVER gets put in to gen pop, he is done. Any of you old fuckers remember Jeffery Dahmer? Even cold hearted murderers don't sit well with child murderers.

I don't know what was going on with you that day. I have never judged a person off of popular opinion. I don't hate very easily, like EVER. I don't even know your name. I don't hate you. I want too. But you have to live with what you have done. You get to dwell on that stupid decision for the rest of your (probably very short) life. If you are lucky enough to survive the outlash of this travesty, I can only hope that you have enough of a conscience that this torments you for the remainder of your stay on this planet. I wish for you the pain you have caused, not only for Lily's family, but for every other person on this planet that weeps for the loss of a such a tiny, innocent soul, because you're a pathetic self righteous fuck!! I hope you got to where you needed to be on time. But I am really happy that you will never get there again!