Saturday, April 11, 2015

What could it be?

It seems like more and more I just don't feel the desire or the need to do anything anymore.

I don't want to go to work, I don't want get out of bed, I just want to lay there and do nothing. I don't feel any drive in life, like there's no reason to keep doing what I am doing. That I am going no where fast. I don't feel that I will ever reach or achieve what I have dreamed.

I stopped having dreams for the future to avoid being let down or having them fail. If I don't have an expectation I can't be let down right?

Today I called off from the weekend job, I never do that... I stated due to a "family emergency". I spent 5 hours sleeping at my friend Kevin's house. Now I really wasn't tired, but I think because I was depressed I felt like I was. It's one of the signs, believe me I've read enough about it. I am ready for bed right now and I got an extra 5 hours of sleep, from like 9 - 1 today.

Is it possible that my bi-polar can get worse? There are a few reasons it could be:

1 - my medication isn't as effective.
2 - my life is more complicated
3 - work is more complicated
4 - I may just note care anymore and give up.

Okay that last one isn't a reason, but it has crossed my mind more and more lately. I had an acquaintance once tell me "Cindy never give up, it means someone else will win!"  In this case life would win... what does that mean?

Lose my mind, go to a psych center, get food and shelter without having to work for it.. get counseling that I really really need. Hope and pray I can function in society again. I'd probably lose my kids but in all honesty it may be a good thing because if I can't take care of myself, how am I expected to take care of them? They always come first that may be why I have these problems I am not taking care of myself well enough.

Thanks for reading all. I hope I can get myself back on track.

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