Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I always seem to be apologizing......but.....I'm Sorry.

I love to write. That's why I was so excited about being a member/contributor here. However, even when I started, during the excitement, I still had this gut wrenching feeling that I was going to let everyone down. Not that I was going to write crappy posts, because I don't believe that any of us are capable of that if we are truly writing from our hearts. But because I knew I wouldn't be a regular. I've never stuck to anything for very long. I tend to get super excited about something, and am determined that this time it will be different, but it never is. It's not that I lose interest, I don't. It nags at me all the time. I try to get to it. I schedule it in my weekly lists of about 14 billion things I would really like to get done this week. Yet I don't do it. Why? Because as much as I love this place, as much as I want to be a familiar face here.......it isn't going to be detrimental in my life if I don't. This is something I LOVE. This is a tiny section of "me" that is not required to survive. This is one of the many things that I don't get to do because...Life!
I spend so much of my time feeling guilty about shit that I know deep down I can't do a damn thing about. Writing here. Texting the few friends that REALLY MATTER to me. Taking a fucking shower! There is NEVER enough time in the day, week, MONTH, fucking YEAR for that matter. I don't have enough time!!!
I got an hour and a half of sleep last night. I worked ten fucking hours today!!! Yet here it is a quarter to One and I am here, writing this, because...well, because I WANT too!
When the fuck did LIFE get so damn busy?! When did "I" get put on the back burner? Why is it that what I want to do, what brings me joy, what makes me relax....became non-existent? Why did I have to grow up? This is bullshit! I spent my entire childhood waiting until I could make my OWN decisions. Buy what "I" wanted to eat. Live where "I" wanted to live and damnit, do what the FUCK I wanted to do!!! Where did all of that go?! I can't honestly remember actually getting to do ANY of that shit!
Please please please don't think for one second that I regret any part of my life. I don't know what my life would be without the 5 amazing (albeit HUMONGOUS PAINS IN MY ASS!!!) angels that I am surrounded with each and every day! I have been extremely blessed, and don't think for one second I don't realize that! Yet somehow "Jen" got lost. When am I allowed to be me? When am I allowed to just...........breathe?!

1 comment:

  1. I understand where you are coming from... I finally made time for me and here I am. I find writing helps me be more calm and get my feelings down when I need to most. I hope you find it as therapeutic as I do.