So...... now what?

Evening all, time for a little writing before bed.

First of all, the weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and feel like I got a lot accomplished. Second of all, I hate football. I hate when my husband is over at his friend "Chuck's" house on Sunday evenings, I feel like he already doesn't get enough time with the kids to do "quality" things. Unless you count Monday/Thursday night football with my 9 year old quality time.

Most of all I hate my computer. It's a piece of poop. I need a new one, any program I use seems to eat up so much of my memory. So I am on the look for another computer, at this time I'm checking out the rental places, because I am working the weekends, I could probably have it paid off in 3-4 weeks, so if I do 90 days same as cash I'd have it payed off before even 2 months. Doing some research on this as we speak.

My friend Kevin is awesome... we've had a lot of bumpy times and a few fall outs, but that makes our friendship even more special. He's been a big part of helping me out.

My first therapist appointment is Thursday and I am anxious as hell, new person, new place... it will take some getting used to. But I figured it out today, if I can get out on time I will make it with 5-10 min to spare before it starts at 5pm.

Also forgot my meds today, as the day went on it felt like it was more hectic than it really was. Today was a slow day, but for some reason it wasn't in my head. I REFUSE to forget medication again, I think I'm going to carry them or leave a few in my desk just in case I forget. Probably a good idea if you ask me.

Alright, well really tired so I need to get some sleep, I worked 10 hours on Monday because we were missing 4 people due to call-ins. Then back to 8 today, but then I worked the weekend so it's been 8 days working without one off. I am thankful to have Monday off to have a surprise birthday party for Sebastian at school. Thinking of that need to email the teacher before bedtime.

Later all!

I always seem to be apologizing......but.....I'm Sorry.

I love to write. That's why I was so excited about being a member/contributor here. However, even when I started, during the excitement, I still had this gut wrenching feeling that I was going to let everyone down. Not that I was going to write crappy posts, because I don't believe that any of us are capable of that if we are truly writing from our hearts. But because I knew I wouldn't be a regular. I've never stuck to anything for very long. I tend to get super excited about something, and am determined that this time it will be different, but it never is. It's not that I lose interest, I don't. It nags at me all the time. I try to get to it. I schedule it in my weekly lists of about 14 billion things I would really like to get done this week. Yet I don't do it. Why? Because as much as I love this place, as much as I want to be a familiar face here.......it isn't going to be detrimental in my life if I don't. This is something I LOVE. This is a tiny section of "me" that is not required to survive. This is one of the many things that I don't get to do because...Life!
I spend so much of my time feeling guilty about shit that I know deep down I can't do a damn thing about. Writing here. Texting the few friends that REALLY MATTER to me. Taking a fucking shower! There is NEVER enough time in the day, week, MONTH, fucking YEAR for that matter. I don't have enough time!!!
I got an hour and a half of sleep last night. I worked ten fucking hours today!!! Yet here it is a quarter to One and I am here, writing this, because...well, because I WANT too!
When the fuck did LIFE get so damn busy?! When did "I" get put on the back burner? Why is it that what I want to do, what brings me joy, what makes me relax....became non-existent? Why did I have to grow up? This is bullshit! I spent my entire childhood waiting until I could make my OWN decisions. Buy what "I" wanted to eat. Live where "I" wanted to live and damnit, do what the FUCK I wanted to do!!! Where did all of that go?! I can't honestly remember actually getting to do ANY of that shit!
Please please please don't think for one second that I regret any part of my life. I don't know what my life would be without the 5 amazing (albeit HUMONGOUS PAINS IN MY ASS!!!) angels that I am surrounded with each and every day! I have been extremely blessed, and don't think for one second I don't realize that! Yet somehow "Jen" got lost. When am I allowed to be me? When am I allowed to just...........breathe?!

Following through with my doctor's request.

I have found a counselor/therapist who will see me. I have an appointment on Thursday at 5. I am nervous. It's a new person in a new place I've never been to. I am sure my first visit will be full of paperwork and history to get her up to speed. None of my current issues will be addressed. On the good side, it's only twice a month my doctor wants to me see her, so it will save some money in the long run.

I got a refill on my meds Friday and started the weekend job today. Found out it isn't a mini peak, it may go longer, which is good financially but bad mental/physically. I'm exhausted from today, so I am heading to bed soon and it's not even 9pm yet... today I worked 9 - 5:30 and tomorrow is only 9 - 1, I do half a day on Sundays so I have time to rest before going back to the weekday job.

This week is going to suck, I'm working all 5 days. Financially it will be awesome, so I can get a regular paycheck again.. next Monday I am off for Sebastian's birthday. I plan to bring stuff to his classroom to celebrate. He has NO idea... I can't wait to surprise him.

FOOTBALL is back! I'm in my brother's fantasy league, I am going to lose big time against my friend named Kevin.. so we'll call him Kevin2 we can keep it right. My brother Kevin is already beating my older son Eric but that's only from Thursday games.

Anyhow, time to get some sleep.... just a quick update from my last entry on what happened with my doctors visit.

Happy 12th Anniversary

We met in High School JROTC in 1992 & were the best of friends for years. We got to know one another as adults in 2002 and the rest is in progress...

September 6, 2003 is the day that I married my best friend. It wasn't everything that I imagined at all. At best I wanted a white wedding gown and the whole shebang but when it came down to the wire it didn't go that way. Razark and I were planning a Fall ceremony at The Texas Renaissance festival but a few things were preventing that. 1) I would be 8 months pregnant with our first son. 2) My sister would be in Kuwait helping our soldiers while working with AAFES. So we had to scramble. My sister had a short stateside pass and I couldn't get married without her. My worst enemy and biggest defender. The girl I cannot imagine living without. No way. We decided to do The Harmony Wedding Chapel on I45 in Houston. I wore a maternity dress which turns out to be my only regret about our wedding day. I really wish that I had bought a wedding dress instead.
12 years later and Razark and I have 4 boys. I married Red and Gamer with my husband and we added The Little Professor and The Little Prince over the last 12 years. We have moved 4 hours to be near our families, separated, reunited, and changed cities and jobs. Razark got his Bachelors degree in computer science, I got my Associate's of Art in General Studies and started my Bachelors of Social Work. We have been on top of the world and knocked on our asses but we have made it.
I cannot see myself on this ride with anyone else no matter how frustrated that I get with this life. When the poop hits the fan he is always my first call and when I need support he is the first at my side and the last to leave. I love you, Razark. Thank you for this life, your love, and these 4 AMAZING boys. Thank you to his family for accepting me into their family despite my character flaws and for loving me too.
Happy 12th Anniversary Honey! I look forward to the next chapter with you and the boys!