Friday, May 8, 2015

Feelings Friday

So, I was looking over my Facebook memories today and I was shocked at how frustrated and unhappy I was with my husband. Well, I knew I was frustrated and unhappy but I didn't realize that I posted that much. Sorry honey.

I was finishing my AA and going through the hardest Biology course ever (& loving the challenge). But that doesn't excuse my behavior. Do Razark and I still fight? Yes. Do we still have bad days? Yes. Are we better about reflecting and apologizing? Yes!! Show me a marriage without struggles and I will show you a farce. Does that mean the struggles need to be big? No. One of our biggest struggles is that Razark will not take out the garbage. Frustrating as it can be it is certainly not marriage ending.

And yet, 3 short years ago I was thinking about it. My mantra was, "Just get through college so you can take care of your kids and make it alone." I didn't think that he would be delinquent on child support or anything but he does pay for his older kids. Most days I just didn't like him anymore. Sure, I put on the facade that we were fine and I was just tired but I was struggling a lot.

Looking back, I didn't like myself much either. I moved over to start my Bachelors degree at a University and things got harder. As I struggled at home though, I flourished in school.  My GPA was 3.5 and I lived for learning. I felt like I was living the educational dream if my home life did not suck things would be great. I vented to my friends, I cried, and I prayed. The answers are not easy and often come in odd ways.

In August 2012, ten days before school started, I had my first emergency surgery. After going to school all summer to be ready to apply for my degree program, I was insanely sick and it turns out my gallbladder was infected. So I started school a day or so late but I started. Things were calmer at home but still hard. I felt like I was completely unsupported and trying to recover. It never occurred to me that I was treating my husband like shit too.

Things went along OK for a while and then in February 2013 I thought I was dying. What started out as back pain progressed to hours crying and no comfort in sight. After finding out I had a kidney stone, given drugs, and sent home to pass it, I was worse. The emergency room gave me morphine and it didn't touch the pain for longer than an hour and they only gave me dilaudid once. Razark sat by my bedside helpless and trying to support me. He couldn't touch me because I was in so much pain. Emergency surgery number 2 and several subsequent surgeries were on my stone ridden kidneys. Not once did he complain, not once did he blame me, and not once did he leave my side. I ate up most of his vacation days that year and it was no vacation!

I lost almost all my courses because I was stuck on the couch or in bed on medication and with kidney stents in place that semester. It put me a year behind in my degree program. In that time I did a lot of thinking and we did a lot of communicating. Only someone who truly loves me would stick around through this mess.

Things are not perfect and I am OK with that. Razark and I have grown and come a long way. We became a couple again. We are better partners and better parents. I no longer contemplate divorce or leaving. We are in this for the long haul. Things haven't exactly gotten easier but they have gotten better.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to show you that you need to reexamine your priorities. I spent a great amount of time examining myself, my goals, and my life and the person I want to be. I like myself much better these days. Best of all, we are happy.

I want to share advice that my Mother gave me a long time ago about relationships because it is very true.

It takes two to make it and it takes two to break it.

When I took responsibility for my part, he took responsibility for his part and things began to work.

Happy Friday Y'all! I owe you guys recipes but I still have one more paper and one more final to take first.


  1. I love, love, LOVE this! I'm so proud of you two. Love y'all.

  2. Thank you honey! I think it is kind of embarrassing but on the other hand it might help someone. Looking back some of our issues seem so small but then again we have had several deaths in the family, a major court battle, and my health crisis to remind us of what is important.

    If this helps even one person to look at the big picture then I am OK with putting myself out there. I truly am married to my best friend and I love him and our family more than words. The obstacles we have faced were more numerous then what made it to the blog but I hope the love and commitment show up.