Friday Five- Feelings edition

Welcome to another edition of Friday FIVE!  I am kind of halfway between coming off of White Friday and going into starting school and internship. Things are about to get very busy!

Today I want to blog about my feelings on this year's White Friday event. I have a few things to say....

I feel...

1. Successful
We doubled our pictures this year which is great!  I think we had more survivors participate because they have had access to our White Friday Facebook page for over a year. We are becoming more visible and known.

2. Frustrated

Although we had over 100 people join the even we only got 1/3 of participant photos. And we did get a few people who were too busy to participate. Really? We even had 3 people who had no white but still wanted to participate enough to wing it. I understand being busy, trust me, but you took 500 selfies last week for Instagram. We are asking for 1 that puts a face to supporting people struggling with depression. We have had many people get creative with incorporating white into their pictures and some who said, "I don't do white but I do think things need to change.

3. Proud

I am proud to see Jen's dream grow and even more proud to be able to support it. I am proud of our fellow warriors who have had the courage to put their beautiful faces out there for a great cause. It is not easy to admit you face mental health struggles but everyone does at one time or another. It takes us all assembling together to make our voice heard.

4. Honored
Last year I was asked to be an administrator on the White Friday page by Jen. I never thought it would turn into my passion in life. I never thought it would guide my coursework. I never thought it would bring me TWO of the most beautiful, caring, sweet, and amazing sisters. WF brought Jen, Eri, & I together. I knew them separately but together we truly have The Power of Three and we are a force to be reckoned with. Jen and Eri have gotten me through some very tough spots and I am so blessed to have them. It is an honor to serve as an administrator on WF. It is an honor to be included in these two women's families.

5. Talented and Useful
I cheated a bit but oh well. With TWO White Fridays under our belt, so to speak, we finally had enough material to do more. I took all of our beautiful submissions and made them into a video with music, motivational quotes, and tributes. It came together exactly as I thought it should and even with limited experience it is something that I am very proud of.  It was the least that I could do for an organization/event that has enriched my life. We always pay tribute to Robin M. Williams and this year we added Alan R. Citti. Two wonderful men who sadly lost their battles with depression far too soon.

Stay tuned folks, we are always working on things behind the scenes. We have been discussing logos and T-shirts with any proceeds going to worthy organizations such as NAMI, Doctors without Borders (for Alan), and St. Jude's Children's hospital (for Robin). The possibilities are endless!

Have a beautiful weekend. Be kind to one another. Keep writing your stories!

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Friday Five White Friday Edition

Welcome to our 2nd Annual White Friday. It is the first for the blog though so I thought that Friday FIVE would go hand in hand in introducing White Friday properly. Or at least BoBeary style. :)

Five Facts about White Friday

1. Who?
Jennifer Prochaska is the official White Friday Founder. Carrie Shack (me, otherwise known as BoBeary)  and Erica Holtry are administrators.

2. What?
White Friday is a campaign to shine a light on Depression.

3. When?
Every August on the Friday following the Anniversary of Robin Williams death (Robin passed 8/11/14).

4. Where?
Where ever you are! Put on White, snap a selfie, post it to social media with #WhiteFriday , and start educating people around you. Please search for the White Friday page on Facebook and keep up on our latest news. We post tips, tricks, research, and motivational things to spread the love and remind people that they are not alone.

5. Why?
It is long overdue to start erasing the stigma around mental health issues. Robin William's untimely death brought a great deal of light into a dark world and in the aftermath we decided to act. If the funniest man in the world can struggle with depression then anyone can. Many people do not seek help for fear of being ostracized but in truth everyone needs help at some point. We want everyone to be able to reach out when they need to. We want to start an honest and healthy conversation about Mental Heath issues and keep the dialogue going.

Bonus:

How can you help??

Tell your friends! Find the White Friday page on Facebook, engage with us, invite your friends, and join us on White Friday in August in posting your selfies. Send the message that no one has to fight alone and struggling doesn't mean you are broken or a lost cause. The founder and administrators at White Friday all fight along side you.

Don't let this be the end of your story

Long live the ;'s!

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Friday Five- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Good Morning fair reader!!

Today's Friday Five is going to focus in on what PTSD looks like for ME. The interesting and equally annoying thing about mental health issues is that it rarely looks the same for everyone. If it did then we wouldn't have an issue with mental health because treatment would be universal. The thing is that trauma affects everyone differently. Our minds deal with it in the best way to protect us at the time and it will be completely different from your battle buddy or neighbor's brain.

So here are 5 manifestations of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in my life. Don't worry if yours is different or not as bad or worse, we are all fighting this battle and no one is better than another.

1. Startle reflex

My startle reflexes are either horrible or great, depending on how you look at things. I can be in my own home and know everyone is home and walk out of our bedroom and come face to face with one of my family members and jump 3 feet. When I was younger all you had to do was turn the knob on my door handle and I was wide awake. There is nothing that makes this better. My husband thinks it is funny. It really is and isn't because I have no control over it.

2. Nightmares

The doctors get lost in thinking that if I don't have nightmares about the trauma then it is not connected. This is total crap. While combat veterans or crime survivors may have nightmares about their ordeals, many of us have suffered multiple traumas and just have nightmares. I had trauma both as a child and an adult so I do not have specific nightmares about the trauma, per say. I do have nightmares about falling from high places and that was one of my traumatic incidents but really I didn't have nightmares before the trauma.

3. Personal Space Issues

Here is the thing, EVERYONE has personal space. Even the very huggy people have boundaries and times when they do not want to be touched. I cannot tell you when my personal space issues will rear their heads but it has happened and if my request for space is not requested then I will lose my temper. There was a guy in Kroger one night, who was weirdly buying like 10 pounds of grapes, who was almost up my butt. When I asked him to step back he copped an attitude with me and told me to chill out. I told him that stepping back would be advisable or I was going to move him back. I am not sure, to this day, what it was about him but everything in my body screamed, "FLEE!". It doesn't only happen with strangers but sometimes I have to tell my family not to touch me. Sometimes it is the PTSD and sometimes it is the Fibromyalgia. When a hand on your leg hurts.... weird stuff.

4. Panic Attacks

My PTSD is what started my panic attacks and stress is what feeds them. The thing is that I am often stressed but I have managed to get my panic attacks down to a minimum. When they do come on though I begin to really look at things because high stress feeds them puppies like Thanksgiving Dinner feeds your entire family for 3 days. I will go more into detail about how my panic disorder works in a future post because everyone is different.

5. Hypervigilance

I am always assessing the situation. There are some places that I feel safe enough to relax but not too many. If a car takes more than 2 turns with me then I am on edge. I do not like surprise visitors at all nor do I like strangers in my home. I really do not take well to people covering my eyes and saying, "Guess Who?" and you will probably get a very hard and painful reminder of that if you do it. I do check on my kids a lot and the first few days after my older boys go back to their Mom's house is the hardest. I often have to remind myself of where they are so that I do not panic. It doesn't make sense but it is just how it is. It is how I am.

I very much hope that this helps you to feel better about your own quirks. You are not alone no matter how individualized the symptoms can be. Having mental health issues does not make you less, it does not make you broken, and it does not make you untouchable. It just means that you were very strong through bad things and your mind protected you.

Have a beYOUtiful weekend!

Don't forget to join us on August 14 for our 2nd annual White Friday! Go to your Facebook search bar and search WHITE FRIDAY to find our page. Facebook is not working on my laptop today so I cannot post it here. The even is on the page though. All you have to do is take a selfie wearing white and post it on the page with the #WhiteFriday and you will be helping us bring awareness to ending the stigma of mental illness and starting a healing conversation.

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Friday Five Diagnoses and Reality

Good afternoon fair reader,

Today I am going to continue to delve into the realm of mental health with you. We are getting ready to celebrate our 2nd Annual White Friday when we wear white to shine a light on mental health. Depression and mental health carries a huge stigma and the way to dispel that is to talk about it. So, instead of just telling you the research or stuff you can get on your own, I have decided to talk to you about my personal battle. Maybe, it will help you be honest about your own experience and we can start talking about it and supporting each other rather than perpetuating the darkness.
So here are my FIVE diagnoses that are mental health related. The last one just contributes.
1. MDD- Major Depressive Disorder
Yep, I fight (and mostly win) the big D. MDD is more severe and chronic than just depression and you get that label after having long periods of depression without a break.

2. PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Although I did serve in the USAF, I never saw combat. I broke my back in a training accident at 19. It ended my Nursing career and just about broke me. It added the MD to my D. Then while awaiting medical boards for my discharge I was a victim of what the military calls MST or Military Sexual Trauma. You civilians call it rape. Victim shaming from someone who was supposed to be my friend and threats of the perp kept me quiet for years. None of us are in the service anymore so I don't have that reason to hold it in.

3. PD- Panic Disorder

This is the shitty one. It wasn't so bad until I almost wrecked my car driving home but everything went downhill from there. Thankfully I had the best boss ever at the time who put up with me while we got things under control. I probably should have gotten fired for walking away from the register to sob on the bathroom floor because I thought I was going crazy. And the first morning after I started the meds that kept me from having the Panic attacks in my sleep, he nursed me through by helping me get the fog out. I never got to thank him for that but I was fiercely loyal to him.

4. Anxiety

Gosh, I have had social anxiety forever. I was teased mercilessly as a child. The reason I survived the bullying was because I had some awesome friends and a great Mom and Sister at home to support me. I have always known that I had a higher purpose on this earth so I fight it and go on.

5. DDD/CP/FMS- Degenerative Disk Disease/ Chronic Pain/ Fibromyalgia

This all stems from my accident. I had a compression fracture of T-12 & L-1 and broke off some bony bits on my spine. The USAF told me it was a sprain and sent me back to training. They were going to make me continue the exercise but I couldn't sit, stand, or lie down without crying. Oddly, they still never x-rayed me. I went to my civilian doctor to find the break. I have had back pain everyday since.

I carry on because I cannot quit. I fight because I do not know what else to do. I fight for others because while I do not understand your exact situation, I do understand what living in the dark feels like. I also know the gratitude that I felt and still feel for the people who stood/stand by me.

Please take someone's hand and come in to the light rather than taking your life. Take mine. We can move slowly as long as we move forward.

Come over to Facebook and search for White Friday. We post articles, and supportive memes, and resources all the time. You can contact me and I will do my best to find local resources for you. Just don't make an irreversible decision over a temporary problem. Please.

Love, Peace, and Light to everyone!

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Friday Five- more feelings

I feel like last Friday's five lightened my heart and soul a bit so I am going to do it again. Once again here are my Five feelings from this week.

1) excitement - I received my potential field placement assignment for my internship. I have a year of internship before graduation.

2) relief - my tests came back normal

3) overwhelmed- we had a huge assignment due on Tuesday and I was down to the wire in finishing it.

4) stubbornness - that one is with me always

5) sadness/longing - cheating? Who cares it is my post so if you don't like it then get your own blog. I miss three guys in my life. Two of them have gone to heaven and one is just gone. It is hard to think about never again seeing the people you loved so much. They shaped my life in ways no one else could.

A word about #2, please get your regular checkups and be good to your body. I have breast cancer in my Mom's side of the family so I had my first mammogram at 25. The VA decided that was good enough. So two weeks ago, when I found a lump, I decided to call my civilian doctor. They told me I was supposed to be having annual exams since 32 because my aunt was diagnosed at 42. The doctor confirmed something was there and sent me on to the specialist. There is nothing like waiting two weeks for that when it runs in the family. Thankfully the doctor at The Rose did not make me wait for results because I was quietly scared to death.

He said, "I could tell you to cut down on your caffeine. I could tell you about breast cycles and tenderness. But honestly all you will hear is NORMAL. No evidence of cancer. Go home. Kiss your kids. See you in a year."

Get your  screenings people! I am 38 & I have had my BRACAnalysis for genetic mutations of breast and ovarian cancer. I have had a colonoscopy. I have had my mammograms and ultrasounds. The discomfort, missed work, and/or nasty prep is a small price to pay to be around for your family. Cancer runs in families but it also has a mind of its own.

If I am not around to see my babies grow up, it isn't going be because I didn't fight like hell.

Peace, love, & light...

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Friday Five- Feelings

I know we haven't been sticking with themes much lately but I figured I would incorporate it into my post. I don't know who reads this stuff. Hell, anyone can access it that knows how to use a search engine. Sometimes I let this limit what I post or sometimes I abstain from posting all together. You know I am pretty sure that a certain family reads along and the baby beating c$$t cannot help herself but this is too important to care about them.  If we don't talk about stuff like feelings, thoughts, and mental health then we cannot begin to erase the stigma. So what the hell, be the change you want to see in the world... Right?

Five feelings prevalent in my head this week:

1. Sadness
2. Urgency
3. Self hatred
4. Worthlessness
5. Stubbornness

Not nearly as pretty of a picture as those of you who know me see, is it? Yep, that's right folks... I wear a mask too. So do you. Not every moment of everyday but you do. And I bet, like me, at the end of the day when you get to your safe place you are exhausted. Keeping that charade up for long periods sucks! It's OK though because I understand. I understand that sometimes keeping up appearances is so much easier than trying to tell someone what is going on in your head. I cannot explain why I feel some of the feelings that I do and that list is woefully short and incredibly incomplete but it is Friday FIVE.

While I cannot explain all of my feelings, or even all of the five above, I will explain the two most important ones. Number two and number five are the most important ones because those keep me grounded in some kind of sanity.

2. Urgency
The urgency to keep going to see this bad spell to the other side. The urgency to hang on in school with everything that I have. The urgency to get home to my boys and enjoy them. The urgency to help those people who have lost their urgency.

5. Stubbornness
The stubbornness to not give in to the darkness. The stubbornness to hold on to the urgency. The stubbornness beat this bastard depression and then to control the bitch named anxiety. The stubbornness to give someone else the will to go on. The stubbornness to make sure that this isn't the end of my story. The stubbornness to help you see that this isn't the end of yours either.

Go in peace, light, & love into the weekend. Let's try to laugh without abandon but if not just hold on until tomorrow. Brighter days are coming.

Love you all!

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For the love of the laughter- Friday Five

I love comedy. I love to laugh. Not any old laughter will do either, it must be that deep down, side splitting, snorting, ready to pass out laughter. Today's Friday Five showcases my top 5 favorite comedians ever and it ends with a serious message.

5.Margaret Cho
Yes, I cannot help loving her stand up. Raw and kinda raunchy makes me laugh!
4. David Sleaze Punk Musician
"I'm foolin' you and you don't like it, fuck you!" Google it.
3. Billy Crystal
Comic Relief y'all!
2. Whoopi Goldberg
Jumpin' Jack Flash, Comic Relief, Burglar. Brilliant!

1. Robin Williams
Hands down my absolute favorite comedian, Humanitarian, Gamer, human ever!

We are coming up fast on Robin's birthday and the day he passed from this world. Now if you want to comment on how sinful you think his death is or go into the sordid details.... SOD OFF!

I never met Robin but I followed his career and Humanitarian work from the beginning. When he died I felt like a piece of my soul died too. Suddenly the world was just a little darker and the clouds permanently obscured a piece of the sun. He touched so many lives and that included mine. He opened my eyes to homelessness at the age of 9. I watched every single Comic Relief that I could. I was a bright child and he made me laugh from the beginning. It still seems unreal that he is gone.

I am definitely not the only person he touched but it was the way he died that broke my heart.  The more the story came out the more lost and sad I felt. We were more focused on how he died than how he lived. My dear friend and sister Jennifer started White Friday on Facebook and asked me to be an admin. I was honored. You see I have fought my own battle with mental health issues in my life. I have put on the mask and smiled despite feeling empty inside. I wondered why I should hold on and keep going. I have felt alone.

I read every thing I could about Robin. I figure he didn't want his family to have to deal with the effects of his disease so he decided he would not be a burden. My grandma did that except she waited until everyone left and willed herself to die. I wish I could have made her understand that she never would have been a burden.

White Friday is our way to let people know that they never have to fight alone. We are currently in our infancy but we are always working behind the scenes to push forward. Our goals are to erase the stigma attached to mental health struggles. We do it in honor of Robin M. Williams and everyone who grieves for him. We do it to remind people that they are never a burden. We do it to let people know that every life lost to mental health issues makes this world a little darker.  Whether you are the King of Comedy or an everyday person you are a star to someone. Please seek help. Please. You are not alone!

1-800-273-8255

Friday Five- Joshua Mark Edition

Five things that I love about Joshua Mark

 

 

 

1. The way he says I love you Auntie Carriebobeary

 

He and Mama's videos have sent me the ray of sunshine that I need just at the perfect time on more than one occasion.

 

2. The way he makes friends every where he goes

 

Joshie likes to spread joy to absolute strangers.

 

 

3. The way he owns his style no matter what

 

Refer to Wordless Wednesday the Monkey Edition for proof of this.

 

4. His big blue eyes

 

Look at any picture and see how his eyes sparkle with life.

 

 

5. The way he loves his Mama and his Nasan (Nathan).

 

He is madly in love with his family.

Friday Five- Five things I have been doing instead of blogging

Oops!

School has started and I am continuing in the Practice section of my Social Work requirements. This semester is practice with groups and families. So, I have been awful about posting and I apologize profusely!

1) I have been hanging with my sisters a lot. Eri and the boys have needed safe people around to remind them that they are safe from child abusing asshats. Jen P has been going through her own stuff and has needed a shoulder as well. Me, well it has been stressful and very hard a lot. We need each other. We found each other and we are not letting go.

2) School started back up at the end(ish) of January so I spend a lot of time one that. So I spend 3 days a week on campus working 4 classes and countless hours doing homework and essays.

3) Getting my boy ready for his trip to Washington D.C.

4) Dealing with some health issues along the way. Before Christmas I had steroid injections in the facet joints on the right side of my back. Next week we will do the left side to see if there is any total relief and then we decide if we need to continue them. They keep me down and out from more than 24 hours so during the semester that is kind of a pain.

5) The health issues bring with them a depression. Some days it is a huge battle to even get out of bed but most days I push on. I think that having a family helps because my kids keep me focused on reasons why I should not let the hopelessness overcome me. Two of my very dear friends have almost died this past month or so and the concern and loss of sleep is killer. Insomnia just makes the depression that much closer to being intolerable. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying lately.

So I guess some days I really am Fucked-up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional but I generally get along with a little help from my sistahs!

Love and hugs!!

Next Friday we will try to do something Valentine's related!!

Friday Five.... Things I like about December

Wow, only 5 things that I like about December? I could probably go for 500 and still miss some. Being that it is the Christmas season and all I will try to steer clear of all the normal things about Christmas time just to keep it interesting...

1. Two of my children were born in the month of December!! The Little Professor turned 11 on the 2nd and The Gamer turns 14 on December 15th.

2. The semester ends in December! I am tired y'all! This policy analysis and learning to practice with individuals is hard work. I am ready to sleep in and read something for fun. I need a few days of trash TV to wind down from poverty, LGBTQI rights, race relations, and mental health issues.

3. December is my month to bake!! While the husband and kids DnD with our friends, I am usually found at home baking up a storm. I absolutely love to turn up the MP3 player and bake until I am hurting and fall into bed. I love the fact of knowing that the family loves my goodies.

4. OK, this one is a bit normal... but FAMILY! I adore spending time with my family. I can hang out with my Mom and Sister and not have to run home to finish a paper or a presentation. That is so cool to me because I can relax and laugh with the people that I love most.

5. Cold nights. I live in Texas y'all! It yo-yos up and down a lot. You can usually depend on more cold nights in December finally!! I love the cold weather because well, um, I live in Texas. It rarely snows here and rarely ices over so I can love winter with all of my heart because if it does snow or ice... the whole damn city is shutting down!

Happy Mid-December y'all! I wish you peace, love, and cozy nights!!

Friday Five- Things you might not know about me

Wow, I am such an open person that I am not sure what you might not know.

1) Every dream that I ever had about my future children featured a daughter. I never in a million years expected to have boys. I was never pink princess and tea parties despite being the girly girl of the family. I find myself almost relieved to have all boys.

2) Justice is my first love. I memorized Miranda rights at 9. For years I wanted to be a lawyer.

3) I have been singing since I was a little girl but only publicly once at a bar with a group of girls. Singing and music are woven into the very fabric of my soul.

4) I am fascinated with human behavior. It drives my husband  absolutely nuts and he is ground in concrete facts.

5) If I love you, I feel your pain. I am an empath. If I don't like you then I could care less.

Friday Five.... Late

Five things I like about Friday

1. I love catching up on SVU with my husband on the couch.
2. I love hanging out with the boys without having to hound them about homework.
3. Every other Friday my older boys come for the weekend. I love having them and I try not to be sad that our time is running short as Red turned 15 last Sunday and Gamer is right behind him at 13 3/4.
4. I love how relaxed my husband is when he gets home.
5. I love celebrating another week on earth with these gifts that are my family and my greatest weekends.

The little boys were off today so we had a frozen yogurt date and talked Doctor Who. It might get better than this but I don't think so.

Love, Peace, & Harmony to you all!!!

Friday Five - Go Big Red!

So, I guess it's no secret around here that at least in my corner of the nuthouse  of the country,  it's college football time and following the Huskers is practically a religion.  I never followed college football until I came out here (although my dad and I went to several UNM games that always got us rained on...we began to believe we were cursed).  Out here you have to at least keep up or you are not going to be able to make conversation with anyone.  So I became a somewhat obsessive fan.  I already knew the rules and a ton of the stats having come from a sports home.  Now every Saturday during the early fall I find myself glued either to the television or the radio waiting to see or hear how my beloved Huskers* are doing.  Last week was an exceptional week for us overall and with that glorious victory on my brain, I thought I'd give you:

"5 Things To Know & Love About The Huskers".

1.  Last week playing against Miami Ameer Abdullah broke Johnny Rodger's record for the most career all-purpose yards.  It.Was.Awesome.
2.  On game day, Memorial Stadium has the 3rd largest population in the state.  Going to a game is a blast as you hunker down with approximately 91,000 of your new best friends.
3.  Jordan Westerkamp makes catches behind his back when he can't even see the freakin' ball.
4.  According to a businessinsider.com poll, Nebraska fans are the most loyal college football fans in the country.
5. In 2012, a little boy named Jack caught the attention of then Husker Rex Burkhead.  Through Burkhead, he got to know the rest of the team and in the Spring game of 2013, the team brought Jack out in the 4th quarter.  He ran for 69 yards and scored a touchdown The Team Jack Foundation that he set up with help from Burkhead and other Nebraskans benefits pediatric Cancer research through a facility in Boston.  Unfortunately, as he's grown so has his tumor.  He is now in Boston, himself, being treated by a method that is still undergoing clinical trials.

So there you have it.  Five things I love about my college football team.  Especially #5.  Our team and our fans have a history of playing a clean game and generally being neighborly and polite.  What they've done for little Jack shows that they also have great Big Red hearts.  GO BIG RED!!!

**Huskers, or as the hockey enforcer calls them and every other football player, "Wes Welk-uhs!"