Manic Monday in my head!

 WTF? Is there a fricken off switch for my brain? I can't understand why my mind is all over the place... you dirty arse m'fing bi-polar. I've taken my meds, what the H-E-double L is going on up there?

Are you trying to cause me to go insane? What's the deal? Who left the lights on? Did the conductor fall asleep?

I have so many things flying through my brain I was only able to stop it when I was at work when I was focused on something else... going to bed and getting to sleep is gonna be one heck of a feat tonight.

This will be my brain all night long!!!!!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

An Open Letter...

...To Assholes Everywhere...

Ya know, almost everyone I know dealt with a real mf'er of an asshole this weekend.  So this one's for all you twaintholes out there.

Dear Assholes Of Every Shape, Size & Severity,

You are starting to overstay your welcome.  And by "overstay your welcome", I mean I am this close to considering a one-woman vengeance spree.  Knock it the fahk off, yo.  No one wants to hear your lies, or you run someone's name through the mud because you're too fahking ignorant to figure out the truth.  No one wants to watch you make some nice person cry.  No one wants to watch you spit your political ignorance and potty mouth all over the place in such a way that you alienate your own friends.  And not one single muthafuckah on the planet wants to watch you act like a big-mouthed bully.  I'll repeat: Knock it the fahk off, yo.

Stabbily yours,

Eri

P.S. And I feel like that for every girl who breaks a genuine nice guy's heart, me and the Sistahood should get to take turns punching you in the twat.  I mean really.  Quit doin that.

Every lesson forms a new scar

A long, long, long time ago...Or maybe "Once upon a time" the story goes...

Anyway, I was in a really rotten place.  I knew someone who was a friend, a great friend, I suppose at times.  In this really dark place, I clung to this song, telling this friend that I felt like something was about to go wretchedly wrong.  Just really fahking wrong.  I couldn't figure out where or how or why, but I had the distinct feeling I was about to get a knife stuck somewhere. And oh boy, was I ever.  This friend would tell me that it was terrible I felt like that, that I should feel safe, that I was a good person who didn't deserve to feel like I was about to be betrayed or that I was about to be hurt.  Much less to actually be betrayed or hurt.  Then that very same person took a blade dipped in poison and stuck it in my back, then my side and then repeatedly, with only the purest evil, she stuck me every place she could.  When I'd finished licking my wounds and they'd been carefully bandaged by the only muthafahking person I still trusted, I still hung onto this song.  And oh damn, how guarded I was.  Every dark corner held a monster, every single smiling face was just another facade.  My heart was closed.  I cried all the time.  I paced, I didn't sleep because of the nightmares.  I was distinctly not myself.

And then, well then, something wonderful happened.  I met Carrie.  Everyone warned me it was too soon to trust a stranger.  Everyone warned me to guard my heart, to be so careful, to keep walls up.  But you see, that's not who I am.  I am not that girl.  I can't be that girl.  And so I closed my eyes and I took a leap. And because I did, I met one of the best and truest-bluest friends anyone could ever meet.  She's not just a friend.  She's part of my soul.  I wanted to share this now because I've been in a dark place lately, just so stressed out and sick and injured (torn rotator cuff, ftw).  And she grabbed hold and said something to me that is more beautiful than I think anyone's ever said to me.

She said: You are patient and kind. You love wonderfully. When you love someone it isn't just with words, or even actions alone. You love with every cell in your being. You make the people around you feel so special

And she was right.  I don't do a lot of things really well (fahk you very much MATH).  But I love people right.  So, while I still love this song, I don't need it anymore.

Savory Saturday- Perfect Pork Roast

This seems to be the only way that we cook pork loin now. I do not use all of the seasonings in this recipe but the great thing about it is that it is the cooking method important. Feel Free to customize it.

My seasoning looks like this:

Sea salt or kosher salt (to your own tastes)
Herbs de Provence
Garlic powder

I add the olive oil to this and let it sit if I have time. If not you can microwave it too. I have mixed it and put it on 5 minutes later and it is great.

Perfect Pork Roast

3 pound pork loin
1 1/2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon dried rosemary
1 tablespoon dried basil
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 450°. Adjust top oven rack to center of oven.

To prepare spice rub; combine rosemary, basil, salt and pepper in a small bowl. Add olive oil and stir to mix well. Warm rub in microwave for 15-30 seconds to help infuse oil with spices, Alternately you can allow rub to sit for a few minutes to marry the oil with the spices.

Remove the rack from the roasting pan and place on counter top. Place the roast with the fat pad on the top side (do not cut this off, it will impart a lot of flavor into the roast and help it stay moist) on the rack and spoon spice mixture on top of the roast. Rub spice mixture all over the top, sides and bottom of the roast.

Place rack back in roasting pan and bake in oven for 10 minutes, reduce temperature to 250° and bake for 60-90 minutes (time will vary depending on whether you have a short fat roast or a thin long roast). My roast took 90 minutes to reach 145° internal temperature.

Remove roast from oven, place on cutting board with tongs (do not puncture the roast) and allow to rest for 5 minutes so the juices and disperse into the roast (and not all over your cutting board

Even Mr. picky LOVED it!

Friday Five- Reasons to be Thankful

I actually have about 5 trillion reasons to be thankful so this post really takes no thought but I will try and not overload you.

1. My husband, Razark. We have known each other forever (20+ years) and he is one of my best friends. I don't say this lightly or because it has been easy but because we have been through so much together and made it through. I love him with everything that I am and I am thankful to call him mine.

2. My 4 boys. They're all so smart and different in their own ways.  None of them are perfect but they are mine and I will always love them.

3. My Mom and Sister who have essentially been my parents most of my life. Two people that I can count on no matter what when the chips are down.

4. My best friend and her family who have been a constant in my life for at least 25 years. Her Dad is the only Dad who has been a constant in my life. I love them all so much.

5. My soul sister, Erica, who is my champion when I am at my highest and still there when I am at my lowest. She celebrates my smallest wins with me and comforts me through my lowest lows. She has talked me through some of the darkest moments since I have known her. I love her and her family so very much.

Bonus:

I am so thankful to the military for allowing me to get my AA and go on for my BSW. Education allows me to better myself and be better for my family.

What are you most thankful for??

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!!

Wonderful Wednesday

I know it is supposed to be Wordless Wednesday but there is no meme that can explain this. If you have been a reader here long you have heard some of the details of my disabling injury from the USAF. If not then go read my Maniac Monday post which details it and the lasting effects.
Anyway, this has not been my best year. I got the kidney stones to slow down but found out one of my disks in my lower back is toast. Surgery carries only a 50% success rate so I have moved on to pain management until it gets worse or something better comes along. I currently wear pain patches and have medication for breakthrough pain. Over the years I have grown quite a tolerance for pain so I know it has gotten bad. This morning, for instance, I couldn't stand up for long because my lower back and hips were hurting so badly that my stability was not reliable.
Most of the time only my immediate family sees that pain. I usually don't say much more except to Erica because most people either don't get it or don't care. That's cool.  It is my issue.
My husband was talking to his Mom the other night while I was working on a huge paper I had to finish. I only heard one side of the conversation. My husband told her that I was in almost constant pain but I was working my ass off to get my school work done. He didn't have anything in his voice but sincerity and concern with a touch of pride. I asked him about it. He said, "I see what you are going through. When the weather changes and when it rains. You are miserable." I cried and thanked him because he gets it. He understands. He is one of few who does including people you would think should get it. He rarely ever gets mad at me for my pain conditions and I don't even think it is me personally that he is mad at. We have known each other since our sophomore year of high school so he knew me before all this. I think he gets pissed at the people who let me get hurt and the doctors who insisted it was just a sprain and sent me back to duty. It was a civilian doctor who x-rayed me and caught the breaks. I think he is pissed that the VA never did much of anything either. Epidural steroid shots that helped once and left me crying on the couch for a week after the second shot with unreturned calls. He gets mad when people talk to me like I am weak or unworthy but he never talks to me like that.
My husband is not perfect. I am not perfect. Together we have made a life together with our kids and our very different families. We make it work because we love each other, our kids, and we respect each other. It doesn't work for everyone but it does work for us. Even when I am bitchy because I am overwhelmed especially at the end of the semester... I know he has my back. I have his too.
Bonus points if you could find a meme to sum all of this up.

What's going on today?

I am this close... [ ] that close to having all the money I need for the bankruptcy. I have to go and pawn my wedding and engagement rings and PRAY I get 200 dollars for it.. because of the furnace breaking down last week, we have a temporary fix until they can order the part and install it. I've spend that amount on the cost of the fixing, part and my car insurance and that's why I'm down 200 bucks. 

I do plan to cash in my son's savings bond so I can have gas money for next week to get to work. I plan on paying the whole amount on Monday for my bankruptcy and then if I have any other things they need get them done before the week is out because I want this DONE and over with so I can move on with my life.

On a sadder note, today has been 2 months since I lost my champion. I miss Scout SO MUCH... if it wasn't so mother f-ing cold out there I'd be at his graveside talking to him, but considering I am working an hour overtime this week everyday I get home and it's already dark. I am NOT complaining, I need the money but just puts a damper on anything outside of work.. all will be better next week. I can't wait to get this weight off my shoulders.

Other than that I have NOTHING in anyway possible exciting to write about. Just the S.S.D.D. if ya all know what that means. Work, home, bed, work, home, bed... ya know how it works.

A few more weekends and I'll be done, I will be relieved to have the weekends back but at the same time miss the money. Once that's done I can hit up the bank and get my savings set back up again so I can put money in there every week and start saving for emergencies like I AM going to do in the future.

Been sick the last week and working through it, my voice is coming back I refuse to miss work this week due to the extra OVERTIME I am getting... I can't afford to not do it.. maybe some holiday money to put aside for Christmas, may not be so bad after all.

Jennifer P - that's me!

Hi All! Just wanted to pop in and introduce myself. I'm glad to be part of this blog. I am the founder of the White Friday campaign and Facebook page. Carrie did an outstanding job describing what it is and why it exists. I wanted to honor Robin Williams, frankly. I was upset about his passing, and I felt that no one else should die from suicide. Period. Robin was one of my idols, a brilliant man, comedic genius, and outstanding dude. But he had horrible demons. Hor-ri-ble. White Friday started off as a tribute to Robin, and sort of morphed into a support network, and my passion. Annually, we will wear white on a Friday in August, and take and post selfless with #whitefriday. The idea behind this is to show support for those battling depression disorders. "Well, who are you and what do YOU know about depression?" I have anxiety that I have battled my entire life. As a child, I had horrendous separation anxiety. It wasn't until quite recently when I began to realize that anxiety was the root of a lot of things for me. I'm currently BFFs with Zoloft, and plan to be for probably the remainder of my life. Ever since I started White Friday, I've been able to open up about my anxiety. I used to mask it, mainly because I didn't know what was making me feel like this or why, how, etc. If White Friday helps only one person, I've successfully done my job. Please feel free to take a look at our Facebook page, Facebook.com/whirefridaylight. "Well, where did the name White Friday come from?" Simple: white = light. Depression is viewed as dark and gloomy. Those of us who battle it need to find our light, and shine bright! Friday was also the day I chose to have everyone wear white. Plus, it may or may not be a play on "Black Friday", as in the biggest shopping day of the year! ;) As I said before, this is my passion. I've since added two AMAZING page editors/admins to the campaign. We have some great stuff in the works! (Maybe a website coming up soon…)

I'm also planning to blog about my upcoming IVF treatment. For anyone with fertility issues, you know it is not fun. For me, it helps to write about it. I should be starting over Thanksgiving and having the procedure around Christmas.

Please forgive me if I don't blog right, or something. This is my first rodeo as a blogger. I'm kind of liking this. :)

It's nice to "meet" all of you.

"Look at that girl, she's lighting up the world"

I heard this yesterday while watching a movie on Netflix called "Call Me Crazy".  The movie was a fantastic glimpse into mental illness (so fantastic, it triggered an anxiety attack...What.The.Fenway.). Anyway, I loved this song because I really related to it.

I think there's an idea out there that I'm everyone's Sunshine and I'm glad to be the person they turn to for a little sparkle and optimism and cheerful kick-ass-itude, you know?  But it was a long time comin'.  I had to "break free" of so many things; a past that haunts me, insults that claw at my sense of self,  perfectionism, self doubt,  anxiety and panic disorders, and the old well-trained-girl who was never allowed to be 100% herself.  I'm so proud to have broken free, even if sometimes I still see the chains and the marks they left all over my soul.

Sing Along Sunday- Thank you to Eri for sending this to me at my lowest point!

Sing Along Sunday and a bit about White Friday

Since I am up and it is almost 4AM, I figure I will try and coherently write this one out for you before I try again to sleep.

Unless you live under a rock, and I DO some days, you probably heard about Robin Williams suiciding a few months ago. Famous people doing odd things is really nothing new but you rarely see it among someone quite as famous as Robin. Also, if you don't know about his past, he fought and consistently won battles with so many demons like drugs and alcohol. I also know that he had issues with depression that ran deep and wide. He fought a serious war while making us laugh, cry, or even laugh until we cried but eventually the lights go down and he is no longer performing. In the last part of his life he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and Lewy Body Dementia which left him hallucinating and having body control issues. I can assume that he researched it all well and came to the realization that his life quality would be rapidly declining one way or another and he didn't want to put his family through that. Now before you pass judgment, here is what I learned from reading up on Parkinson's as it goes when Lewy Body Dementia goes with it. LBD is bad enough but the symptoms are seriously aggravated and intensified due to the side effects of the Parkinson's medications. He was simply not going to (in his mind) beat this battle in a way that left him or his family any dignity. Does it suck? YES. Is it fair? NO. Is it any of our freaking business or our right to judge? NOPE.

But it really started something with a few of us, especially Jennifer P and I. If Robin Williams, comedy genius, could be suffering with severe depression then anyone could. His situation was unique, as is everyone's personal battle, but we wanted to reach people to know that they are not alone. You have a fighting chance. You have some place that you can come and get support from total strangers (or just strange people) and skip the judgment. When you feel like you are exhausted, we want you to stop and rest and talk it out.

So began White Friday. #WhiteFriday started as an event to wear white to show our fellow humans that there is help. There is NO shame in asking for help. And most importantly, you are not alone. We all have our own issues with depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, and even panic disorder. We like to think that finally in our lives we get it. We cannot make your problems go away but we can listen to you and acknowledge that depression and mental health issues look different on everyone. It is not just the blues but hey if you have those we will gladly listen to you rant anyway. We are trying to 'knock the stigma out of the park', '#whiteoutdepression', and even help each other 'Shine Bright' and remember that you ARE priceless and important in this world.

As of now, you can search for White Friday on Facebook and like the page. We are working on a website. I am hoping that we can assemble a more protected environment for people who don't want their business out there. It might even come to forums where we can break down topics to specifics and people can go in and talk about issues and get feedback and support from others who have that. No one is currently a mental health professional but as I mentioned above, we come from varied backgrounds and have quite a bit of experience with our own mental health challenges.

As for me personally, I consider myself bound by the National Association of Social Workers Code of Ethics. I treat forums, closed groups, and messages as private communication unless given explicit permission to share identifying information. I might speak in generalities with my cohorts to try and get a different view on assisting you but I will not divulge information that can give away your identity. I am a Junior in the Bachelor's of Social Work program and I am currently in the Practice phase. I will begin internship next fall. I take my career and your privacy very seriously.



I hope you will join us at White Friday and watch for the new stuff that we are working on. Please be patient though because the 2 other admins and I are all going to school along with working, mothering (whether it be husbands, kids, or both) and trying to sleep sometime. I hope we can make some progress over the holidays while school is out.

You can contact the blog at: sistersofthetravelingchucks@gmail.com
You can always message me on Facebook. If we are not friends just be aware that is might go into the Other folder which I don't check nearly as often as I should. As soon as White Friday gets off the ground it will be posted here so watch this space. Besides, we have a truly awesome and diverse group of women here blogging and it is really taking off. I think you will be interested, entertained, and maybe even educated while you visit us.

Here is one of my favorite Firefly Quotes and it is very true to my philosophy:

What I have learned.... (reflecting on my life between age 30 and soon to be 40)

Well, being that I turn 40 next year.. (February 1st) I felt it may be time to start writing what I have learned so far... I mean I still have a few months left to go but hey, why not start now.

My son was born in 2006 when I was 31. Since then 8 years of my life has been spent fighting to get him the help he needs to grow. I knew something was wrong when he was 1 and hadn't reached the milestone other "normal" kids at his age where reaching... at age 2 I was able to get him into early intervention and had a speech therapist come over and work with him twice a week. The first time he was a word I was in tears!

Then his first year of preschool I literally had to argue and fight with the guy to get him in... finally he said "mornings or afternoons." I was like "what?" the parent advocate looked at me and said "you won, he's going to let him in." But the second year we had gotten the diagnosis that he had Aspbergers, so it was easier to get him into the program. Also we had a new person heading the group so it's been so much easier since, haven't had to fight since the jerk guy left.

Also I learned that even if you trust someone unconditionally, they WILL betray you and you will be made out at the bad person in the end. Oh I can't begin to talk about this without getting all pissed off.

In short I work with two people who twisted it all around and made ME out at the bad guy in the end. Such a load of bullshit if you ask me. I have am also SO sure they've talked to people I work with and everyone know about it and thinks I am the person who caused it all... but I've decided I don't give a care what others think about me... I am true to myself. I have a quote posted on my wall.

"Worry about your character and not your reputation.. because your character is WHO YOU ARE and you reputation is only what other people think of you."

It's been 2 years since I've had those two people in my life and they know NOTHING of what is going on and I could care less what they are going though. I hope they live happily ever after... HAHAHAH! I lie, I wanna be there when karma comes back and kicks their ass for everything they've done to me. It's not a nice thing to say or feel but why not, I'm going to hell anyways!

I've also learned that I can't deal with people who can't follow rules I've set up ... totally disrespecting me in the process.. and ironically enough it's not my kids I'm talking about either. I think I've realized that my husband and I are not compatible anymore. As I've closed myself up, I realize how much him and I clash on a regular basis. I feel bad for my kids, especially my youngest whenever we break out into a fight.

I've also vowed NEVER to spend money I don't have. Having to file chapter 7 because of how bad things have gotten I NEVER want to do again.. from now on it's cash only.... if I ever got another credit card it's only for emergencies... like a car break down or needing a tow. PERIOD. Money management here I come. Life was so much easier when I first moved out on my own and had NO money... I lived off tv dinners, ramen noodles, sandwiches, mac and cheese and hot dogs. I started that way, that's how I'll do it again.. I don't care.. Keep IT Simple Stupid.. K.I.S.S. is my new motto when it comes to money. I am going to start a backup savings in case of emergencies for the future.. no more depending on credit!

These are just a few things I've come to realize and let me tell you it's taken more than a few days to process this stuff and to figure out how not to kill someone, or do something rash.. then learn from it and change myself to be stronger because of it... some of these things will caused me pain for the rest of my life and others will improve my way of living. Lets see what else I can learn in the new few months before I turn the big 40.

 

Come along for the ride with me... this should be fun!

Savory Saturday- Macaroni and Beef

This one is a recipe from Razark's family. I call it homemade hamburger helper but MUCH better! This recipe came from my Father-in-law's Mom who has been gone quite a long time now so we really love having it.

Beef and Macaroni

Brown:

1 onion chopped
1 clove garlic

Add and Brown:
1 lbs ground chuck

Drain excess fat.

Add:

1 can 28oz diced tomatoes
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp oregano
3 1/2 oz cooked macaroni (1 cup dry)
1Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

Cook covered 1/2 hour. Uncover and cook until thick.

This is REALLY easy to adapt to your tastes. We add more garlic.... of course. Also, you can double of triple it easily. We never make less than a double batch and we always add extra tomatoes and red wine.

Fresh, smiling faces

I wanted to take a moment to welcome two new writers to our blog.  Everyone please welcome Julia and Jennifer.  They each bring new perspectives and opinions and life stories to color our Sistahood.  I'm not sure what exactly they'll be writing on, but I know it will be amazing because these ladies are amazing.   Please make them feel at home!

Friday Five - Absurdities

Five Absurd Things Heard & Seen Around My House This Week:

1.   Joshie has decided he wants to BE "Mom".  This involves stuffing socks into his shirt giving him boobs bigger than mine and putting fuzzy socks on over his jeans and some glitter in his hair and some of my jewelry and usually a pair of my Chucks.
2.  He's also got a touch of a cough this week.  He told me it was because Phineas and Ferb were in his lungs.
3.  Mom to Joshie: "Hey hey hey, WHAT is that in your mouth?"(marshmallow we later discovered)
Joshie to Mom: "WHATEVER, YOU'RE FINE"
4.  Mom to Stomp: "Hey your brother's stuck in the couch again, can you get him out?"
5.  Stomp to Mom: "Do you want to hear my new Christmas song?  It's called "The 12 Weirdos of Christmas" and it goes "on the first day of Christmas, the robber shot at me a jar full of organs".
Mom to Stomp: "What.The.Hell."


Hi, so I haven't been here.  I haven't been here because I apparently panic at exam time and so my exam grades aren't great and I have another A&P exam on Wednesday.  So I have A&P pictures hung everywhere, flash cards literally falling out of my pants and I've begun talking to people with anatomical terms peppering the conversation.  In short, I'm not a delight right now.

Thursday musings

I spent the day running today. My Little Professor has been on Adderall 10mg since 2011 for ADHD. It is no longer working so we are increasing his dosage. While searching for the pharmacy to fill his meds I started getting an ear infection. I came home after running from 8-1 and had to lay down. I have drops and Mucinex from the last ER visit so hopefully it takes out the infection.

In other news, my bff's dad is back in the hospital and it is not looking great. I love this man like he was my own dad. I love the entire family. 25 years of friendship does that. Please pray and send up good stuff for him!

I will be doing a separate post on White Friday soon to explain how it came about, what we do, and what we hope to accomplish. Hopefully I will get it up tomorrow.

For tonight I have drops in my ear, Fibromyalgia that is ravaging my hips, back, and hands, & laundry to finish so the boys stay warn, and I am trying to stay under my blankets as much as possible.

Stay warm and healthy y'all!!

As I lay my head to rest By Danielle Ward

As I lay my head to rest,
I pray my dreaming will be blessed:
With glittering starlight upon the moon,
Floating like a lost balloon.
With chuckling streams that catch the light,
And songbirds trilling with delight.
With soft white clouds in pure blue skies,
A lilting breeze that gently sighs.
With weeping willows that quietly droop
Their shadows, as they drape and stoop.
With blossom scents that chase the air,
Like children run without a care.
As I lay my head to sleep,
I pray my dreams are safe to keep.

A Wordless-ish Wednesday - Let us be your soft place to fall

Hi.  So I really just wanted to introduce a Facebook page that Carrie and myself (along with another Jennifer) are admin'ing on because it's close to our heart.  It's called White Friday and it's a site that helps provide support and resources to those suffering with depression and/or anxiety disorders.  If you are someone who needs help, please come see us (unless you need IMMEDIATE help in which case I would suggest calling 911 or The National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255).  We're not doctors (and most of us don't even pretend to on the internet) but we ARE all women who have been there.  Let us be your soft place to fall, okay?

I'm moving along........

Well I have a few little things left to get for this bankruptcy. My paycheck stubs from my temp agency which has been INSANE and I haven't gotten squat yet! Paperwork on the car and house for the payoff statements finish an income & expense list and let them know what I did with my tax return last year...

Then the BIG problem, coming up with the $1500 before the 21st... that is when Wells Fargo will initiate the court date for that summons I got... I am pretty sure I can have 1000 by the end of the month but that does me no good on the 21st... I am forgoing every bill except the mortgage, car payment and car insurance this month to try and save this money up.

I am at the point where I am desperate. So I am selling my wedding ring/engagement ring, my necklace and bracelet set of my birthstone that I got for mothers day a few years back. They are my only REAL jewelry and I have to pawn them. I am also going to cash in my eldest son's $50 savings bond and pray it will help me with the other 500 I will need. *sigh* I have a bad feeling about this.

I am praying so much these days, I don't know if it is going to help. If God can't help me, then I am not going to pull this off.

The lawyers office has gotten so much email of scanned items this weekend, they're going to be overloaded and I think it's hilarious... I scanned all of Chris's paychecks from May to now... from both jobs. I scanned the 2012 Federal tax forms, two more bills and I can't remember that other things. They got a lot of stuff to go through. LOL

What sucks the most is I am so close..... but may not make it in time. Tonight I am going over to my friend Kevin's house and I am writing a message to a few friends on face book and see if I can't get any help. It's not the question of if I can pay someone back it's the question of will you be able to help me.

If I had my way I'd have the money NOW and hand everything in I needed to this week by Friday and get this thing on it's way so I can tell the Wells Fargo collections they can contact my lawyer from here on out. (evil but I'd love to tell that cold heartless bitch over there to kiss my ass)

Other than that, I am doing ok. When I'm not freaking out getting all depressed about this "ruin my life" issue over my head I am alright.

***********UPDATE "small but BIG" MIRACLE HAPPENED*************6:01pm EST

My dad called this afternoon and said he'd be able to help me with 500 dollars he's mailing it and I'll have it on Wednesday, which means all I need is 500 more and I'll have 500 by the end of this week... so I'll have it all and then all I'll have left to do is get the rest of the paperwork and I'll be set!! I am praying that I can find another kind soul who can loan me the other 500 and I can have this done!!

Keep praying warriors, it's working!

Sing Along Sunday- Autumn Love songs

I simply adore these two songs. I love the voices and the melodies of these ladies very much! I hope you enjoy them too!





Happy Sunday Y'all!

Please Come to Boston

See, here's the thing...This has always been in my top 10 favorite songs.  Years and years and years before I met J, I was singing this song as a lullaby to Stomp.  Then to the Enforcer.  I just have always adored this song.  Now I have a whole new set of reasons for loving it.  And I just love this Reba version (and spare me the rant about whoever it is you think did it better, c'mon now y'all).  I'm tryin', baby, I'm gettin to Boston as fast as I can.

Savory Saturday- Chicken and Dumpling Casserole

Chicken and Dumpling Casserole


The secret of this is NOT TO STIR THE LAYERS. That's what makes your dumplings. When you dish it out, you have your dumplings on top.

2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded ( I use a store bought rotisserie chicken)
2 cups chicken broth
1/2 stick of butter
2 cups Bisquick
2 cups whole milk
1 can cream of chicken soup (the herbed cream of chicken soup if you can find it)
3 teaspoons of chicken granules (I use Wylers)
1/2 teaspoon dried sage
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon of salt or more to taste

Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Layer 1 - In 9 x 13 casserole dish, melt 1/2 stick of butter. Spread shredded chicken over butter. Sprinkle black pepper and dried sage over this layer. Do not stir.

Layer 2 - In small bowl, mix milk and Bisquick. Slowly pour all over chicken. Do not stir.

Layer 3 - In medium bowl, whisk together 2 cups of chicken broth, chicken granules and soup. Once blended, slowly pour over the Bisquick layer. Do not Stir.

Bake casserole for 30-40 minutes, or until the top is golden brown

Friday Five - Freestylin' it

I assume that while it's 5:20 a.m. in my house and I'm wide awake,  y'all are sleeping peacefully like little assholes  tucked in all safe and warm in your bed.  Maybe you're tucked around a stuffed animal, feeling warm and safe and happy.  Maybe, just maybe, you're so into your slumber you're snoring or drooling just a little bit.  Ahh,those were the days!  So then...

Five Things Bitchy ... Er Stabby  Er...Uh... Eri is Doing Instead of Getting Sleep, Glorious Sleep:

1.  Studying - I really underestimated how much would go into these online courses.  I'm memorizing facial bones, facial and neck muscle, cranial nerves and tissue types.  That's just for A&P.   The computer science course IS extremely easy but it's also incredibly time consuming.  The skills that are involved require you to do the most basic of skills but you have to carefully go through every instruction which always includes at least a 40 minute video plus 10 or 15 skills you have to complete out of the text book.  These skills always begin with the "no shit rule": "Open the file.  Rename the file if you haven't.  And it always ends "make sure to save your work".  Huh, REALLY?! WHO KNEW?!

2.  Running a household.  If I don't get it done now, it will literally never get done because "FFFFS" that's why.  People need to let go of their expectations of me for the next several months.  I am only ONE person trying to raise two boys who have issues of their own that only Mama can fix.  There's helping with homework, working on  manners, trust, responsibilities, chivalry, integrity and strength of character.   You know the ""life side" of raising kids into spectacular human beings.

3.  Joshua gets up at the muthaakifahking asscrack delightful hour of 5:30 so at some point it seemed ridiculous to even TRY to go back to sleep.  Plus, ya know once he's up, he's a little tiny noise machine combined with an F4 tornado. So we made muffins.  And 'hawked up his hair...in his fireman pj's.  The we took 827 pictures.

4.  Checking on Stomp/NOT cleaning up vomit.  Stomp is throwing up every half an hour.  Being the mama bear that I am, every single time I heard that gag, I shot off the couch (where I was sleeping for convenience sake and bolt into my room (where HE was sleeping so he wouldn't throw up on his brother and he could be close to the bathroom).  I'd rub his back, tell him I loved him, remind him to puke in the puke bowl and then clean it up.  Mama can handle any bodily fluid disaster, just not vomit.   He lethargically mumbled yes ma'am and then went back to sleep.  In 1/2 an hour we'd do it all again.

5.  Wrote.  I participated in a 6 word poetry challenge.  I wrote a lot of those little buggers but this one wound up being my favorite: "Your kiss brought me to life".

Can we just talk about nothing for a while?

So, I was planning to talk about anxiety today.  Specifically my anxiety and PTSD and taking control and your power back and how that can really put a stop to that panic mode that hits.  But then I had an anxiety attack.  A number of them, actually.  All school/child related.  I truly GET now why people do college FIRST, then kids.  But because I'm dumber'n a bag of swingin' hammers, I decided I'd do kids first, THEN college and therein lies the problem.  So, now I'm afraid if I talk about my anxiety it might trigger another anxiety attack (and I sure as fahk don't want to talk about cranial nerves or facial muscles).  Frankly, I am tired, yo.

This guy dancing has been the highlight of my day.  Because yes.  Even yesser.  That is totally how I dance in the car.  And what's wrong with the boring girl just sittin' there?  Can you not get down with a little T-Swift, boring girl?  Quirk up, dude.

This Bromance delights me because you know Boston loves the Pats and Julian Edelman makes my heart go pitter-patter and if Tom Brady weren't married to Gisele I might be rooting for a serious romance between these two.  Just until Edelman meets me and realizes I'm his destiny.

Speaking of destiny... have y'all met my new baby daddy?  Ed Sheeran and I would have adorable ginger-haired, awkward, quirky babies.  And "Don't" is Joshie's favorite song.  He actually yells, "that's my jam!".  It.is.awesome.  Keep calm and quirk on.

Because I'm everyone's favorite person to send creepy and/or weird with just a touch of creepiness shit to, I got this in my email the other day.  Yes, that is a fanged deer.  Yes, I want one.  No, I will not let you have mine.  Yes, you can pet it.

Zombeavers was the funniest movie I've seen this year.  And I'm not even kidding.  It's not everyday you get to tell your sexy Boston boyfriend: "that beav-ah movie was really special to me, Baby.".

Finally, because what's a post from Eri without at least a smidge of bloody violence, enjoy all these videos of that tough fuckah, Shawn Thornton kicking some serious ass.  Ohhhh Shawn, you'll always be a Bruin to me.

Someone has a very TWISTED sense of humor up there......

Already having a load of stuff on my plate, a new one arises.

Apparently the school thinks we are neglecting our son. I think it's time for the mama bear to come out and rip some faces off..

Between working two jobs, dealing with all the paperwork for the bankruptcy. That summons for the court hearing and now this!? If God thinks I am that strong, he's dead wrong. At this point if there is anymore stuff loaded on me I think I will break!

I have lost all hope, the world is about to break me.
No idea what to do or how I am going to move on.
I am tired, I am depressed, I am completely done.

Poem about feeling like everything is lost.....

The darkness is closing in,
I fear it is going to win.

Most everything I care about is gone,
and everything in my life seems to be going wrong.

With debt and bill collectors calling,
it's no wonder I go to bed bawling.

My puppy dog gone and my best friend out of town,
it's no wonder I am covered in this dark shroud.

Work life being so stressful,
not a moment of my life is restful.

Even when I sleep,
my dreams are terrible and make me weep.

What can I do, where can I go?
no matter where I hide it it will follow me though.

It's something on my inside,
that won't just let this slide.

I am just waiting for the monster,
to come out, take over and conquer.

Tired....

I am so tired....

from working the two jobs.. did 13 hours this weekend..

of so called "friends" who take advantage of you...

of "friends" who never respond to you when they are messaged....

of working so much and not feeling like I am getting anywhere...

of being tired all the time... I need to sleep for like a week I swear..

of my youngest child not being able to sit still and having to yell at him to "sit down" every second...

of bugs... all bugs like flies, spiders.. etc...

of the cold, it's not even winter here yet and I have some kind of head cold/sinus thing it's annoying!

of working period, is it time to retire yet???????

Tired, going to bed early tonight.. probably 8:30, hopefully can get a good nights sleep.

Sing Along Sunday- A catchy one for everyone

We heard this yesterday a few times and everyone was singing along. The boys even loved it! It is catchy and uplifting

Loving can heal sometimes